I am a stay at home Mom and my husband is a full-time student who works part time for the school. I don't have a lot of money to work with. I've already mentioned how we eat, but now I'd like to talk about some of the other things I do so that we can afford to live.
1. Cleaning supplies. I clean with the cheapest dish-soap I can find, vinegar, baking soda, and home-made laundry detergent. (1 bar fels naptha grated, 2 cups washing soda, 2 cups borax, mix together dry and keep in a clean jar with a thrift store tablespoon measure. One tablespoon per large load. I've heard of making liquid soap, but that just means more heavy stuff to carry to the laundry facility along with my son and the laundry). I don't buy sponges, paper towels, or anything like that. For washing dishes I use tawashis I make from the cheapest acrylic yarn I can find. They work better than sponges anyways. For cleaning up spills and other household tasks I use fabric scraps and our old clothing torn up into rags. If they're not too yucky after being used I wash and use again, but otherwise I don't bother and throw them away.
2. Clothing. I buy our clothing at thrift stores and we wear what we have until it either cannot fit us even if I alter it, is stained beyond remedy, or has a hole I cannot repair attractively. At that point the clothing gets altered to fit someone else, or torn up into cleaning rags. I buy attractive sheets and plus size clothing in good condition from the thrift store to make clothing for my son. I have made cloth diapers and wool diaper covers out of thrift store purchases in the past.
3. Transportation. We walk everywhere we can. I walk to the grocery store with the stroller and carry the groceries home in fabric tote bags, most of which I've made myself. (the bags also mean a five cent refund for every bag used at checkout!). When we don't walk we drive a 1988 Toyota Camry my parents found for us that cost less than 1000. It gets really good gas mileage to begin with, and to improve our fuel economy we are careful not to let it go below half a tank of gas. We set aside a monthly sum and then buy our car insurance twice annually, because that gives us a discount. We also keep a little money aside for repairs, and do as much of the work we can ourselves, with the help of our handy chilton's manual
4. Entertainment. We rarely buy music, movies, or books. We don't have tv. We have a television that we watch what movies we do own on, and movies we borrow from the library. Occasionally we spring for a redbox rental for a new release. We listen to the radio or music online. We walk to the park, play board games we already own, spend time with our friends doing free activities, or other such things. We have our weekly date night at home after our son has gone to sleep, or do something that will keep him quiet and entertained enough for us to talk (like go for a walk). Levi's toys are things like pots and pans banged with a wooden spoon, empty thread bobbins, safe kitchen utensils, and other household items, plus a few thrift store purchases and things he's been given by other people. When I want to give someone a gift, I make it myself, or find a way to get it cheaply either used or on discount. We do eat out occasionally, but we set a budget and generally we don't buy appetizers, drinks, or desserts. We always tip our server though!
5. Budgeting. We make a budget each month and try very hard to keep to it. We also track our purchases to see where changes need to be made. We also try to save money for emergencies so that we don't have to rely on credit. If we don't have the money for something, we don't get it. We are already saving for our retirement (a whopping $49.68!!!!). We live on eighty percent of our income. The rest goes to savings and tithing. Loren and I would never dream of not paying our tithing. Honestly, we can't afford not to. I'm convinced that the only reason we get by so well is the blessings we receive for paying it, especially being able to go to the temple.
Some people may think this is too much work, or that I'm depriving my son, or that this could never work for them. It's not true. If I didn't do these things, I'd have to get a job to afford a more "convenient" lifestyle. Levi would have to be in some sort of daycare program, and he would be deprived of me, which I think would be a far harder trial than not having cable and cool toys. And these kinds of choices can work for anyone who is willing to choose their priorities and stick with them. For my husband and I, having me home with our son is our top priority. So we make what changes we have to for that to happen. I am learning all kinds of new skills through the internet, friends, and the library. There are so many resources available to those who are willing to go out and find them. What kinds of things do you do to save money?
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
Parenting
There's a current parenting philosophy I really, really, hate. "Do what you feel is right!! Don't let anyone judge you. You're a great Mom!" acceptance and tolerance, baloney. Okay, seriously??? Hitler felt he was right! Now, I know that's an awfully extreme comparison. But what about the Mom who made her kid RUN TO DEATH over lying about a candy bar? I bet she thought she was right!
I recognise there are gray areas, and different children need different things. But there are things about parenting that are distinctly wrong, and unless we preserve a "parenting morality" we will go back to the dark ages of procreatorhood where sacrificing your kid to Moloch was considered fairly normal. And I'm sorry, but a lot of mainstream parenting does not fall under my laws of moral parenting. I try to take my examples from Heavenly Father. I'm using male pronouns because I have a son and these are my principles for parenting him.
1. Respect. Your child is not a second class citizen. He has thoughts and feelings that need to be taken into consideration. Pretty much all the other rules fall under this category, but I'll spell it out just to make my point clear. If you respect your child, he learns to respect you. He will model his behavior on your example.
2. NO violence is acceptable. Spanking, hot sauce, verbal abuse, these are wrong. If your child is afraid of you, you are doing things wrong. A child who is afraid of you will not trust you. He will not confide in you. If your child is afraid, you are far more likely to be the parent who finds out from your teenage son's best friend's Mom that he's seriously contemplating suicide and you'll be wondering why because you had no clue anything was wrong.
3. The Platinum rule. Do unto others as they would have others do unto them. Put yourself in your child's shoes. Really try to understand what's going on with them. Children respond well to someone who at least TRIES to get it.
4. Explain. If you ask your kid to do something, and he says "Why?" instead of "How high?" don't jump down his throat! Explain yourself. He will learn far better, and be better able to make good judgement calls later when you're not around.
5. Before you say No, ask yourself, "why not?" and see if you can say YES! As parents (or babysitters, or big sisters), No is easier to say. No means you don't have to think about how to make it happen, No means you can sit on the couch and do facebook, No is simple and clean. YES! is bold and messy and frankly socially weird because it leads to things like hosting the whole neighborhood in your backyard for a play or dying the dog pink and blue for easter. And why not? Remember how growing up you envied the Happy Hollisters and Nancy Drew because they did all the cool stuff? It's because they had parents who said YES! (and had lots of money but that's a different story..) And when you're someone who tries to say YES!, No means a lot more than Mom just doesn't want to.
6. Do not sexualize your children. I cringe when I see five year olds wearing yoga pants with "sassy" printed on the butt. Or listen to eight year olds singing "Fergylicious!" It is also very common for parents to attach inappropriate meanings to children's actions. If a little girl is feeling shy and her parents say, "Oh, she's just flirting" or a boy wants to see his friend who happens to be a girl and the parents say "Ooooooh!!! Look who has a girlfriend!!" that sends some pretty serious messages to those children. And then later their parents wonder why they have a grandbaby in the house!
7. Never make them clean their plate!!! Why is it that people assume children somehow have no concept or awareness of their stomach? I mean, people put together plates of food, the kids have no control over amounts or what kind of food it is, and then they make the poor things eat it all. How would YOU feel about that?
8. LISTEN. Parents tend to jump in when their children are talking, or tune out, or worst case scenario fall asleep. The problem with this is that they then don't know what's going on with their children. Try to pay attention and listen more than you talk.
9. Be a good example. If you have to say "do as I say not as I do", you're in for trouble. You are your children's example. They take their cue from you. When I was in charge of Nursery I noticed that when the toy-snatching, pushy kids' parents came to pick them up, Mom or Dad would swoop in, take whatever they were holding and toss it aside, pick up kiddo, and then swoop away. The sweet, sharing kids' parents would come in, say hi or something, help their kid transition out of nursery, maybe by getting down and playing a bit, then putting toys away together and then saying goodbye to everyone.
What about you? Are there things you feel are just plain wrong when it comes to parenting? Why do you think that?
I recognise there are gray areas, and different children need different things. But there are things about parenting that are distinctly wrong, and unless we preserve a "parenting morality" we will go back to the dark ages of procreatorhood where sacrificing your kid to Moloch was considered fairly normal. And I'm sorry, but a lot of mainstream parenting does not fall under my laws of moral parenting. I try to take my examples from Heavenly Father. I'm using male pronouns because I have a son and these are my principles for parenting him.
1. Respect. Your child is not a second class citizen. He has thoughts and feelings that need to be taken into consideration. Pretty much all the other rules fall under this category, but I'll spell it out just to make my point clear. If you respect your child, he learns to respect you. He will model his behavior on your example.
2. NO violence is acceptable. Spanking, hot sauce, verbal abuse, these are wrong. If your child is afraid of you, you are doing things wrong. A child who is afraid of you will not trust you. He will not confide in you. If your child is afraid, you are far more likely to be the parent who finds out from your teenage son's best friend's Mom that he's seriously contemplating suicide and you'll be wondering why because you had no clue anything was wrong.
3. The Platinum rule. Do unto others as they would have others do unto them. Put yourself in your child's shoes. Really try to understand what's going on with them. Children respond well to someone who at least TRIES to get it.
4. Explain. If you ask your kid to do something, and he says "Why?" instead of "How high?" don't jump down his throat! Explain yourself. He will learn far better, and be better able to make good judgement calls later when you're not around.
5. Before you say No, ask yourself, "why not?" and see if you can say YES! As parents (or babysitters, or big sisters), No is easier to say. No means you don't have to think about how to make it happen, No means you can sit on the couch and do facebook, No is simple and clean. YES! is bold and messy and frankly socially weird because it leads to things like hosting the whole neighborhood in your backyard for a play or dying the dog pink and blue for easter. And why not? Remember how growing up you envied the Happy Hollisters and Nancy Drew because they did all the cool stuff? It's because they had parents who said YES! (and had lots of money but that's a different story..) And when you're someone who tries to say YES!, No means a lot more than Mom just doesn't want to.
6. Do not sexualize your children. I cringe when I see five year olds wearing yoga pants with "sassy" printed on the butt. Or listen to eight year olds singing "Fergylicious!" It is also very common for parents to attach inappropriate meanings to children's actions. If a little girl is feeling shy and her parents say, "Oh, she's just flirting" or a boy wants to see his friend who happens to be a girl and the parents say "Ooooooh!!! Look who has a girlfriend!!" that sends some pretty serious messages to those children. And then later their parents wonder why they have a grandbaby in the house!
7. Never make them clean their plate!!! Why is it that people assume children somehow have no concept or awareness of their stomach? I mean, people put together plates of food, the kids have no control over amounts or what kind of food it is, and then they make the poor things eat it all. How would YOU feel about that?
8. LISTEN. Parents tend to jump in when their children are talking, or tune out, or worst case scenario fall asleep. The problem with this is that they then don't know what's going on with their children. Try to pay attention and listen more than you talk.
9. Be a good example. If you have to say "do as I say not as I do", you're in for trouble. You are your children's example. They take their cue from you. When I was in charge of Nursery I noticed that when the toy-snatching, pushy kids' parents came to pick them up, Mom or Dad would swoop in, take whatever they were holding and toss it aside, pick up kiddo, and then swoop away. The sweet, sharing kids' parents would come in, say hi or something, help their kid transition out of nursery, maybe by getting down and playing a bit, then putting toys away together and then saying goodbye to everyone.
What about you? Are there things you feel are just plain wrong when it comes to parenting? Why do you think that?
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Don't go on a diet. Correct your diet.
I have never been on a diet. My Mom tried to get me to do some sort of fat and toxin flush thing with her once that was supposed to make my belly flatter, but I refused. No way am I downing nothing but some lemon-cayenne pepper-who knows what else drink for a couple days.
I've observed other people and their dieting ups and downs though, and I have to admit it's amusing, in a rather pathetic way.
The thing about diets and dieting is that typically people are looking for a quick fix, so they down nasty concoctions or don't eat enough, and then at the end they say, "whew" and get back to their old habits, only usually they're so relieved to be done with the diet that they double their comfort food intake. Often times they end up MORE overweight than before.
The saddest thing is when people who are a perfectly healthy weight decide they need to diet. They get on the yo yo diet Ferris wheel and end up fat and sad because for some reason they didn't love themselves the way they were.
I believe in adopting these simple rules to eat healthier all the time, and then I don't have to worry about dieting, and I am a healthy, happy weight.
#1 Be happy with who you are. When you don't like yourself, you wander around in this nasty miasma of unlove that affects everything you do. You don't take care of yourself, you surround yourself with people who confirm your self-hate, you eat bad foods, and you just keep spiraling downwards. Change the spiral. Make it a rule that until you learn to like yourself you are only allowed to say nice things about yourself. Get rid of the people in your life who constantly criticize you. (If you can). Pick a couple things that make you feel like you're really taking care of yourself, like a bubble bath or a hike in the woods, and do them at LEAST twice a week. When you love yourself and are sure that you are awesome, then you can start carefully allowing in criticism, but remember that for every negative word, (and all criticism is negative. A little is necessary but only a very little. Don't ever buy that constructive criticism garbage), you need at LEAST ten positive ones. More is better.
#2 Avoid processed foods for the most part. Even "health foods." Granola bars contain tons of sugar, margarine is loaded with trans fat, flavored yogurts contain all kinds of junk. Don't buy things if they have all kinds of weird chemically sounding ingredients. Even if the label says it's supposed to be good for you.
#3 Pick whole foods most of the time. Whole grains, fresh fruits and vegetables, milk, plain yogurt, unprocessed cheese, plain old meat without all the preservative junk, herbs, olive oil, butter, stuff like that. The less that's been done to it before you get it the better.
#4 Learn how to cook those whole foods so that they taste good! Food is supposed to taste good. If it tastes bad, you don't enjoy it, and then you go looking for something you WILL enjoy. Like a pint of ice cream. If you hate vegetables, don't keep avoiding them. Experiment with trying new vegetables, or cooking vegetables in different ways. Take a cooking class if you have to. It's worth it. Your body will thank you.
#5 Don't cut the things you like out entirely. Just cut back a little bit, and find alternatives that make you happy. Do you love butter? Use butter most of the time! If you love Italian and eat lots of buttery, cheesy garlic bread, try replacing it with this occasionally: toast a slice of sourdough or some other sturdy bread, cut a garlic clove in half and rub the cut side against the hot toast, and then drizzle with olive oil. It's good. I promise. Do you love pumpkin pie? Make yourself a pumpkin pie from scratch, instead of buying a pie, and then take half to the neighbors! Can't live without soda? Try mixing your soda half and half with 100% fruit juice. And every now and then go ahead and eat a whole tub of ice cream for lunch with your husband. And don't feel bad about it. Enjoy every second. Because when you don't deprive yourself totally of the things you love, they lose that forbidden fruit attractiveness that they gain on typical diets.
#6 Remember that God gave us all kinds of veggies and grains for a reason. He also gave us ice cream for a reason. Food is SUPPOSED to be a nice experience. But we're also supposed to eat right and take care of our bodies. They don't have to be mutually exclusive ideas. We just need to learn how to cook what we've been given, and balance our ice cream intake with our veggies and whole grains intake.
#7 READ LABELS!!! Just because it SAYS whole grain doesn't mean it's not mostly nutrient devoid white flour. Just because it SAYS trans fat free doesn't mean it IS. See, if the trans fat per a serving is under a certain amount, they are allowed to say trans fat free. So they get sneaky and pick a small enough serving that they can say it's trans fat free, even if hardly anyone eats a serving that small. So keep an eye out for those hydrogenated oils and fats. IF it contains that, it has trans fat. Not to say a little dose every now and again is terrible for you. Just be aware of when you're putting it in your body.
#8 Eat at home most of the time. We eat restaurant food on average once every two weeks. Eating out, especially fast food, is a recipe for unhealthiness. If you must eat out often, try to pick healthier restaurants like Taco Time or Wendy's, and then try to pick healthier choices, ones with more veggies and less meat and mayo and deep fat frying. If you eat out rarely, when you do go for what you really want, even if it does have five layers of bacon.
How do you eat healthy? What are some of your favorite healthy recipes?
I've observed other people and their dieting ups and downs though, and I have to admit it's amusing, in a rather pathetic way.
The thing about diets and dieting is that typically people are looking for a quick fix, so they down nasty concoctions or don't eat enough, and then at the end they say, "whew" and get back to their old habits, only usually they're so relieved to be done with the diet that they double their comfort food intake. Often times they end up MORE overweight than before.
The saddest thing is when people who are a perfectly healthy weight decide they need to diet. They get on the yo yo diet Ferris wheel and end up fat and sad because for some reason they didn't love themselves the way they were.
I believe in adopting these simple rules to eat healthier all the time, and then I don't have to worry about dieting, and I am a healthy, happy weight.
#1 Be happy with who you are. When you don't like yourself, you wander around in this nasty miasma of unlove that affects everything you do. You don't take care of yourself, you surround yourself with people who confirm your self-hate, you eat bad foods, and you just keep spiraling downwards. Change the spiral. Make it a rule that until you learn to like yourself you are only allowed to say nice things about yourself. Get rid of the people in your life who constantly criticize you. (If you can). Pick a couple things that make you feel like you're really taking care of yourself, like a bubble bath or a hike in the woods, and do them at LEAST twice a week. When you love yourself and are sure that you are awesome, then you can start carefully allowing in criticism, but remember that for every negative word, (and all criticism is negative. A little is necessary but only a very little. Don't ever buy that constructive criticism garbage), you need at LEAST ten positive ones. More is better.
#2 Avoid processed foods for the most part. Even "health foods." Granola bars contain tons of sugar, margarine is loaded with trans fat, flavored yogurts contain all kinds of junk. Don't buy things if they have all kinds of weird chemically sounding ingredients. Even if the label says it's supposed to be good for you.
#3 Pick whole foods most of the time. Whole grains, fresh fruits and vegetables, milk, plain yogurt, unprocessed cheese, plain old meat without all the preservative junk, herbs, olive oil, butter, stuff like that. The less that's been done to it before you get it the better.
#4 Learn how to cook those whole foods so that they taste good! Food is supposed to taste good. If it tastes bad, you don't enjoy it, and then you go looking for something you WILL enjoy. Like a pint of ice cream. If you hate vegetables, don't keep avoiding them. Experiment with trying new vegetables, or cooking vegetables in different ways. Take a cooking class if you have to. It's worth it. Your body will thank you.
#5 Don't cut the things you like out entirely. Just cut back a little bit, and find alternatives that make you happy. Do you love butter? Use butter most of the time! If you love Italian and eat lots of buttery, cheesy garlic bread, try replacing it with this occasionally: toast a slice of sourdough or some other sturdy bread, cut a garlic clove in half and rub the cut side against the hot toast, and then drizzle with olive oil. It's good. I promise. Do you love pumpkin pie? Make yourself a pumpkin pie from scratch, instead of buying a pie, and then take half to the neighbors! Can't live without soda? Try mixing your soda half and half with 100% fruit juice. And every now and then go ahead and eat a whole tub of ice cream for lunch with your husband. And don't feel bad about it. Enjoy every second. Because when you don't deprive yourself totally of the things you love, they lose that forbidden fruit attractiveness that they gain on typical diets.
#6 Remember that God gave us all kinds of veggies and grains for a reason. He also gave us ice cream for a reason. Food is SUPPOSED to be a nice experience. But we're also supposed to eat right and take care of our bodies. They don't have to be mutually exclusive ideas. We just need to learn how to cook what we've been given, and balance our ice cream intake with our veggies and whole grains intake.
#7 READ LABELS!!! Just because it SAYS whole grain doesn't mean it's not mostly nutrient devoid white flour. Just because it SAYS trans fat free doesn't mean it IS. See, if the trans fat per a serving is under a certain amount, they are allowed to say trans fat free. So they get sneaky and pick a small enough serving that they can say it's trans fat free, even if hardly anyone eats a serving that small. So keep an eye out for those hydrogenated oils and fats. IF it contains that, it has trans fat. Not to say a little dose every now and again is terrible for you. Just be aware of when you're putting it in your body.
#8 Eat at home most of the time. We eat restaurant food on average once every two weeks. Eating out, especially fast food, is a recipe for unhealthiness. If you must eat out often, try to pick healthier restaurants like Taco Time or Wendy's, and then try to pick healthier choices, ones with more veggies and less meat and mayo and deep fat frying. If you eat out rarely, when you do go for what you really want, even if it does have five layers of bacon.
How do you eat healthy? What are some of your favorite healthy recipes?
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Some things to do with whole wheat flour.
I have a flour mill. I LOVE it. So does my husband. He loves it because of the things I do with it. Like make all our bread from scratch. And homemade whole wheat tortillas. (Never had one? AMAZING good!). Things just taste better with fresh, living flour, not the dead, rancid whole wheat flour that's been on a shelf for half a year. Also, with my wehat flour I can grind pastry fine wheat flour, SOO much different than the stuff at the store. Anyways. Best 180 dollars I ever spent.
Some things about wheat flour:
It soaks up more liquid than all-purpose flour. So I like to mix things up a little on the wet side, then let them sit for a couple minutes and see if they need more flour or not. 99% of the time, not.
It's just a little bit harder to get the gluten going. Which makes for more tender pastries, but if you don't develop the gluten enough bread will be dense and crumbly.
It tastes really really good!
Recipe #1: Tortillas!
2 c whole wheat flour
salt,
a big spoonful of shortening
warm water
Mix the flour with a little salt. I find that everyone has different preferences about how salty they like their bread, so I'll let you decide how much to use. I use about a half a teaspoon.
Cut in a spoonful of shortning. I use a little more shortening when I want a super flexible tortilla, and less when I want a thicker, more rigid tortilla. No more than a quarter cup though, or you will have a very tough piece of pie crust not a tortilla!
Stir in warm water to make a soft but kneadable dough. Knead a little bit. Break into walnut size lumps. Pinch each lump into a ball. Roll out quite thin.
Put a large pan on medium heat. (I prefer cast iron, but not everyone has it). Place a tortilla on the pan. When you can feel the heat of the pan through the tortilla, turn it over, let it sit briefly, and then take it off the pan and start the next one. If your tortillas are not flexible, you are cooking them too long!
Recipe #2: Drop-biscuits
2 c whole wheat flour
3 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1/2 c shortening
1/8 c molasses
Milk or water
Mix together flour, baking powder and salt. Cut in shortening. Add molassess, and milk to make a soft dough. Spoon onto cookie sheet, bake at 350 approximately fifteen minutes. You can bake these biscuits longer or shorter, depending on how crunchy you like the crust. Serve with butter and jam, honey, or syrup, or serve alongside soup, or with stew or chili spooned over them, or split in half to make a sandwich or however else you want!
Recipe #3: Dumplings
Same as drop-biscuits, except drop spoonfuls into boiling hot soup, cover tightly, and cook for about ten minutes (I think? I always just sample a dumpling to see if they're done). You can add herbs with the flour to make herbed dumplings. (sooo good!!)
Recipe #4: Pancakes
2 c whole wheat flour
3 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1/8 c molassess
Milk or water
Optional, cut up fruit, raisins, nuts, spices, dried fruit, grated cheese, chocolate chips, leftover taco meat, leftover rice, or whatever else you want.
Mix together flour, baking powder and salt. Add molassess, and enough milk or water to make a batter. Heat a frying pan on med heat, grease with oil, butter, or leftover bacon grease. Fry pancakes as usual. Adjust heat and batter thickness as necessary. Serve with butter and syrup, honey, or jam, or fresh fruit and whipped cream. (or if you mixed in leftover taco meat, try with grated cheese and salsa. MMmm!!!)
Eventually I will add my bread recipe here, but I would like to add photos and some video clips so you can see how it works. It's really good bread!!
Do you have good whole wheat recipes? Please share!!! Have you tried one of these recipes? How did it work for you? What changes did you make?
Some things about wheat flour:
It soaks up more liquid than all-purpose flour. So I like to mix things up a little on the wet side, then let them sit for a couple minutes and see if they need more flour or not. 99% of the time, not.
It's just a little bit harder to get the gluten going. Which makes for more tender pastries, but if you don't develop the gluten enough bread will be dense and crumbly.
It tastes really really good!
Recipe #1: Tortillas!
2 c whole wheat flour
salt,
a big spoonful of shortening
warm water
Mix the flour with a little salt. I find that everyone has different preferences about how salty they like their bread, so I'll let you decide how much to use. I use about a half a teaspoon.
Cut in a spoonful of shortning. I use a little more shortening when I want a super flexible tortilla, and less when I want a thicker, more rigid tortilla. No more than a quarter cup though, or you will have a very tough piece of pie crust not a tortilla!
Stir in warm water to make a soft but kneadable dough. Knead a little bit. Break into walnut size lumps. Pinch each lump into a ball. Roll out quite thin.
Put a large pan on medium heat. (I prefer cast iron, but not everyone has it). Place a tortilla on the pan. When you can feel the heat of the pan through the tortilla, turn it over, let it sit briefly, and then take it off the pan and start the next one. If your tortillas are not flexible, you are cooking them too long!
Recipe #2: Drop-biscuits
2 c whole wheat flour
3 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1/2 c shortening
1/8 c molasses
Milk or water
Mix together flour, baking powder and salt. Cut in shortening. Add molassess, and milk to make a soft dough. Spoon onto cookie sheet, bake at 350 approximately fifteen minutes. You can bake these biscuits longer or shorter, depending on how crunchy you like the crust. Serve with butter and jam, honey, or syrup, or serve alongside soup, or with stew or chili spooned over them, or split in half to make a sandwich or however else you want!
Recipe #3: Dumplings
Same as drop-biscuits, except drop spoonfuls into boiling hot soup, cover tightly, and cook for about ten minutes (I think? I always just sample a dumpling to see if they're done). You can add herbs with the flour to make herbed dumplings. (sooo good!!)
Recipe #4: Pancakes
2 c whole wheat flour
3 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1/8 c molassess
Milk or water
Optional, cut up fruit, raisins, nuts, spices, dried fruit, grated cheese, chocolate chips, leftover taco meat, leftover rice, or whatever else you want.
Mix together flour, baking powder and salt. Add molassess, and enough milk or water to make a batter. Heat a frying pan on med heat, grease with oil, butter, or leftover bacon grease. Fry pancakes as usual. Adjust heat and batter thickness as necessary. Serve with butter and syrup, honey, or jam, or fresh fruit and whipped cream. (or if you mixed in leftover taco meat, try with grated cheese and salsa. MMmm!!!)
Eventually I will add my bread recipe here, but I would like to add photos and some video clips so you can see how it works. It's really good bread!!
Do you have good whole wheat recipes? Please share!!! Have you tried one of these recipes? How did it work for you? What changes did you make?
Friday, March 9, 2012
The awful truth
There's something about having a newborn that most people won't share with you. It's a deep dark, shameful secret most of us are carrying around. But I'm going to share mine because I think it's something we need to admit, so that we can move on. We need to get the word out so that we don't have all these new moms wandering around feeling like horrible people. Wanna know what it is?
You might hate your baby at some point. You may think your child is evil. In the middle of a midnight scream fest you may have a brief death-dealing fantasy. To some degree this is normal. It doesn't make you a bad person.
One night while Levi was screaming for no reason I could determine, I thought, "I could just put him in a paper bag and leave him in a dumpster or on somebody's doorstep. Then I wouldn't have to deal with this." ANd then I thought, "That's too much work. I'd have to put warm clothes on, and get him dressed, and he might not get found in time, and freeze to death, and Loren would hate me, and really I love him too much to do that."
My Mom tells me of the time I needed to be walked for twenty four hours straight and as she stared into my dark, evil little eyes, she had this fantasy where she threw me hard against the wall and watched me slide down into a little heap. Obviously she didn't.
The point is, that yes, being a mom to a newborn is HARD work. And when this little person is wailing and you can't figure out what the matter is, you might have a brief moment of wanting to not do it anymore. The crisis moment. The moment where you ultimately say "Yes. I could kill this child. I could get rid of it. I don't HAVE to do this. But I CHOOSE to." It is one of the defining moments of motherhood. The moment where you recognise that while the child had to come out of you one way or the other, being a mother is ultimately your choice.
Have you had a moment like this? What happened? How do you feel about it now when you look back on it?
*Disclaimer. If you have recurring thoughts of killing your child and/or yourself, you may have post-partum depression and you should get help.
You might hate your baby at some point. You may think your child is evil. In the middle of a midnight scream fest you may have a brief death-dealing fantasy. To some degree this is normal. It doesn't make you a bad person.
One night while Levi was screaming for no reason I could determine, I thought, "I could just put him in a paper bag and leave him in a dumpster or on somebody's doorstep. Then I wouldn't have to deal with this." ANd then I thought, "That's too much work. I'd have to put warm clothes on, and get him dressed, and he might not get found in time, and freeze to death, and Loren would hate me, and really I love him too much to do that."
My Mom tells me of the time I needed to be walked for twenty four hours straight and as she stared into my dark, evil little eyes, she had this fantasy where she threw me hard against the wall and watched me slide down into a little heap. Obviously she didn't.
The point is, that yes, being a mom to a newborn is HARD work. And when this little person is wailing and you can't figure out what the matter is, you might have a brief moment of wanting to not do it anymore. The crisis moment. The moment where you ultimately say "Yes. I could kill this child. I could get rid of it. I don't HAVE to do this. But I CHOOSE to." It is one of the defining moments of motherhood. The moment where you recognise that while the child had to come out of you one way or the other, being a mother is ultimately your choice.
Have you had a moment like this? What happened? How do you feel about it now when you look back on it?
*Disclaimer. If you have recurring thoughts of killing your child and/or yourself, you may have post-partum depression and you should get help.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
My home-birth experience.
It's the evening of January the nineteenth. For months I've been asking my Little L to come January 20th. I want to meet my baby so much! We'll be full term then, but it'll cut a week and a half off the pregnancy and Loren and I can meet this tiny person we've been so excited about for so long.
I feel kind of sad, because I haven't felt any signs of labor, and I'm pretty sure I've got ages to go yet, and I'm tired of asking Loren to put my shoes on my feet for me. I'm also tired of the fact that I can't kneel down to say my prayers. This fact is especially apparent to me at the moment since I'm in the middle of them.
"Father in Heaven, I am so incredibly excited and scared for this. I want to meet my baby right now! I ask that he or she may come soon, that I may see my Little L's face, and let Loren share more fully this experience. This beloved son or daughter of Thine that Thou art giving us is such a precious gift. I am so thankful for this amazing opportunity to learn how to be more like Thee. But I'm not sure I'm ready for this. Please Father, I need Thee to be with me when the time comes. I need to have Thee here giving me strength and wisdom. I don't know what giving birth will be like, I've never done this before. I've watched my mother, and she was so strong and peaceful, and I look back at that and I know I can do this. Then I hear other women's stories and I get so scared. I just don't know what's going to happen, and I know I can't control things, and I don't like that. I don't like not knowing. Father, I ask Thee that this birth may be safe, and happy. I pray that my little one may come at a good time, in a good way. I pray that we both may be strong and healthy. I desire so much to be a good mother to this child. Father, I need Thee so much. Please help me to be a good example, to build a home full of Thy spirit, to be wise and kind, to give my Little L the guidance he or she needs. Thou understandest more than I do. I cannot see everthing Thou canst. I am willing to do all that Thou asketh of me, even though it might not be what I think I want or need. I know that Thou wilt provide a way for me. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen"
I flip my scriptures open to a random place, and my finger lands on the words, "Behold, I come quickly."
During the night I begin to feel a little crampy, and by the morning I'm sure I'm having contractions of some sort, especially since there's some bloody show. They're kinda short and far apart and not very regular though. So I call one of the midwives to give them a heads up that SOMEthing's happening, and find out which midwife is on call so that if things pick up I know who to bug.
Until the contractions start getting closer together, I have some errands to run. It occurs to me that I forgot to get an old sheet at the DI to put on the bed, and that I never arranged to pick up the extension cord I'm borrowing for the birth. Oh, and I need bleach. Somewhere in the papers the midwives gave us it says something about bleach, but I never have it because I hate it.
After the errands, we decide that the house needs to be cleaned. Or more precisely I decide the house needs to be cleaned and Loren being the amazing man he is helps me out.
For dinner we eat roast chicken with potatoes and carrots that I had in the crockpot all day. I put it in there in the morning, because I didn't want to finish up having a baby and then wonder what dinner was going to be.
Then we decide to go for a walk, that's supposed to be good. It's a very short walk, since it's cold and dark and rainy. When we get home we drink hot cocoa and watch Remington Steele on Hulu.
As we go to bed I feel kinda sad that the 20th is ending and no baby. But I'm happy things are happening. I'm not sure what to expect, but I know most first time Mom's have long labors, so I'm pretty sure I have several days to go.
During the night the contractions get a little stronger, and closer together, so in the morning I call Michelle, the midwife on call, and let her know. They're getting a little intense, and they're not easy to ignore like the earlier ones. Michelle tells me I need to just go ahead and ignore them though. So I decide to get busy. I make bread, pick over the roast from last night and get some chicken soup going, and take a shower. It's kind of like playing don't think of the pink elephants though. I KNOW they're there.
I decide a nap is a good idea. I ask Loren to come lie down with me. I know he won't take a nap, but I want him there because I know it will help me fall asleep in spite of the contractions. They're not necessarily painful, per se, but they are getting pretty intense.
I wake up at three thirtyish and they're now quite intense. We time them for a while and they're about two minutes apart and minute long, but still pretty irregular. During the really intense ones I lean back against Loren and hang in his arms. It helps a lot. Loren calls Michelle for me, because I am pacing around, stomping my feet and hitting furniture because it's intense and I need to move. Michelle asks to speak to me. I kneel in the child's pose so I can talk easily. She asks me if the contractions are painful all over. I think about it for a second. "That's an interesting question. They're only kinda painful low down, but my uterus is hard all over, I can feel that." She says she's in Idaho Falls, but she's coming now.
I tell Loren I'm going to feel really silly if she comes and I'm not in labor. I know that first time Mom's have long labors, and that they tend to over-react and think they're further along than they are. I'm pretty sure I'm only just getting started on this journey.
A member of the bishopric stops by the house to let us know we're being released from our calling. Loren answers the door, I feel a contraction coming on and go into the bedroom to lean on the dresser. I work very hard to be quiet so that Loren doesn't have to explain that no, I'm not dying.....
When he leaves, I come out into the living room. Loren goes to do something on his computer. "Please don't get on your computer! I NEED you!" I whine. (yes whine). "Oh Aiden! I wasn't going to stay on! I was just going to get the 'Aiden' playlist I put together when we were dating going. Would you like me to do that?" Loren tells me, putting his arms around me. "NO. I need YOU." I tell him. He closes his laptop.
The contractions start getting REALLY intense. I'm sitting on the hall floor with Loren, crying because it feels so intense already, not so that I can't handle it, but I just KNOW I have days more to go, and I don't know if I can DO that. I start to panic and I'm pretty much crawling all over him trying to escape the contractions and telling him, "I just CAN'T DO DAYS OF THIS!!!!!" and he's telling me "Yes you can! I know you can do this!"
All of a sudden, I have this overwhelming, WONDERFUL feeling. "Loren! I want to PUSH! CALL THE MIDWIFE!" Now I know that the worst part is over and I can TOTALLY do this. Tears are gone, panic's gone, the end is in sight and I am focused. On not pushing until the midwife gets here.
I stand up in the hall and put my back against the wall. I put my hands and feet against the linen cupboard, and I tell myself, you can push all you want, on the cupboard. You aren't allowed to push the baby out until Michelle gets here. Until she gets here, you push on the cupboard. I start a little chant, "Don't push! Don't push! DON'T push! Don't PUSH!" In the back of my head I'm feeling amused and sorry for Loren as he's making up the bed with a shower curtain and talking to the midwife, because I know the only thing he's been worried about this whole pregnancy is that the midwife won't make it in time and he'll have to deliver the baby.
Loren has the phone on speaker as usual, so I hear Michelle talking to him. I hear, "Tell her to breathe!" I shout, "I'm BREATHING!!" I hear, "Tell her to lie down on her side." I shout, "If I MOVE, I'm PUSHING. OkAY??" Loren relays the message about pushing, but he must not have heard my breathing comment because he comes in to tell me to breathe. "I'M BREATHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I yell at him. I feel kinda sorry a couple seconds later, but I'm too busy not pushing to apologize.
Michelle arrives. I go into the bedroom and lay down. "If there's anything you want me to do, tell me now or it's not happening." I tell her. "Well, you might want to take off your pants. I'm pretty sure the baby doesn't want to be born in there." I think that's pretty funny, but I'm too focused to laugh. We get my pants off. "I can push now, right?" I ask. "I'm pretty sure you can." Michelle says. "I'm just checking, I know sometimes you can feel the urge to push when you're not fully dilated." "Aiden, I can see the baby's HEAD. You can push." I can finally PUSH! It's intense, but honestly it's not as intense as the contractions. I'm not really doing it. I'm not making myself push, it just happens. It feels so natural. It feels natural to have my hands on my knees, opeing myself up, pushing this baby out. I can feel the head start to come, and I can feel stretching happening, but it's nowhere near the "ring of fire" I've heard described. Not comfortable, sure, but not bad. I make myself ease back a bit so that I can have a little time to stretch instead of tearing. Michelle asks Loren if the bathroom is nearby. Typically she would have hot ginger tea compresses on my perineum, helping it stretch, but today she's just going to have to settle for hot tap water. Loren's right there helping her, since her assistant hasn't made it yet, and I'm listening to what's going on as I push. I don't want to push as hard and fast as my body wants to, so I'm sending some of the extra energy into deep gutteral groans. I'm pretty sure I sound just as melodramatic as those television births I'm always making fun of.
I hear Michelle ask Loren if he wants to catch. He sounds a little uncertain, until she explains that they'll do it together, and then he's pretty gung ho. I hear her talking him through it, and in just a couple pushes he's putting our baby on my belly. "I love you!" I gasp. I say it over and over again. "I love you! I love you! I love you!" I'm mostly saying it to the precious pink baby making tiny, half-hearted cries on my belly, but I'm also saying it to Loren. I'm surprised at how pink the skin is, I've seen babies be born, and usually at least their hands and feet are blueish. Michelle puts a warm towel over my Little L and tells me the cord is long enough I can pull the baby up closer, and I bring my beautiful, beautiful baby up so I can kiss the little head. Michelle asks if it's a boy or a girl, I don't know. I'm too busy loving my Baby. Loren's sitting up next to my head and looking down at the baby now. Both of us are wondering if we have a boy or a girl, and finally I try to look, but it's a funny angle. Michelle looks and tells us we have a boy. "Levi!" I say. "Oh Levi! I love you so much! Loren! Little L is a Levi!"
We get Levi latched on and he's nursing right away. I'm so proud of him! And Loren's right there with me. I am so thankful for this wonderful man who was so calm and sure and steady through this. I'm so in love with him, with our baby, with everything!
Levi was born at 4:55, sixteen minutes after Michelle arrived. I am so glad we decided to have a home birth. I'm glad I was able to labor in my own home, with just my beloved Sweetheart with me. It was nice to only have him there watching me freak out, and helping me stay calmish. I'm glad we didn't have to drive anywhere, because I would have waited so long, and the birth was so fast, Levi would have been born roadside. And it's cold here in January. I'm glad I had such amazing midwives, who were so wonderful and helped me prepare so well for this birth. They were so knowledgable and helped me make informed decisions. I'm glad I was able to eat my favorite almond cookies while Levi was nursing for the first time. I'm glad I got to hold him and nurse him for over an hour before they weighed him and measured him. I'm glad we got to skype our parents while the midwives were finishing doing their thing, and let them see their new grandson. I'm glad Loren and I spent our first night with our baby alone, even if I was paranoid about Levi getting cold and spent the whole night checking his temperature every half hour and changing the thermostat all over the place. I'm glad I had a heart-shaped placenta. It was very fitting that a baby made of love, loved from the moment his existence was known, born into a home full of love, should have been nourished by the symbol of love.
I feel kind of sad, because I haven't felt any signs of labor, and I'm pretty sure I've got ages to go yet, and I'm tired of asking Loren to put my shoes on my feet for me. I'm also tired of the fact that I can't kneel down to say my prayers. This fact is especially apparent to me at the moment since I'm in the middle of them.
"Father in Heaven, I am so incredibly excited and scared for this. I want to meet my baby right now! I ask that he or she may come soon, that I may see my Little L's face, and let Loren share more fully this experience. This beloved son or daughter of Thine that Thou art giving us is such a precious gift. I am so thankful for this amazing opportunity to learn how to be more like Thee. But I'm not sure I'm ready for this. Please Father, I need Thee to be with me when the time comes. I need to have Thee here giving me strength and wisdom. I don't know what giving birth will be like, I've never done this before. I've watched my mother, and she was so strong and peaceful, and I look back at that and I know I can do this. Then I hear other women's stories and I get so scared. I just don't know what's going to happen, and I know I can't control things, and I don't like that. I don't like not knowing. Father, I ask Thee that this birth may be safe, and happy. I pray that my little one may come at a good time, in a good way. I pray that we both may be strong and healthy. I desire so much to be a good mother to this child. Father, I need Thee so much. Please help me to be a good example, to build a home full of Thy spirit, to be wise and kind, to give my Little L the guidance he or she needs. Thou understandest more than I do. I cannot see everthing Thou canst. I am willing to do all that Thou asketh of me, even though it might not be what I think I want or need. I know that Thou wilt provide a way for me. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen"
I flip my scriptures open to a random place, and my finger lands on the words, "Behold, I come quickly."
During the night I begin to feel a little crampy, and by the morning I'm sure I'm having contractions of some sort, especially since there's some bloody show. They're kinda short and far apart and not very regular though. So I call one of the midwives to give them a heads up that SOMEthing's happening, and find out which midwife is on call so that if things pick up I know who to bug.
Until the contractions start getting closer together, I have some errands to run. It occurs to me that I forgot to get an old sheet at the DI to put on the bed, and that I never arranged to pick up the extension cord I'm borrowing for the birth. Oh, and I need bleach. Somewhere in the papers the midwives gave us it says something about bleach, but I never have it because I hate it.
After the errands, we decide that the house needs to be cleaned. Or more precisely I decide the house needs to be cleaned and Loren being the amazing man he is helps me out.
For dinner we eat roast chicken with potatoes and carrots that I had in the crockpot all day. I put it in there in the morning, because I didn't want to finish up having a baby and then wonder what dinner was going to be.
Then we decide to go for a walk, that's supposed to be good. It's a very short walk, since it's cold and dark and rainy. When we get home we drink hot cocoa and watch Remington Steele on Hulu.
As we go to bed I feel kinda sad that the 20th is ending and no baby. But I'm happy things are happening. I'm not sure what to expect, but I know most first time Mom's have long labors, so I'm pretty sure I have several days to go.
During the night the contractions get a little stronger, and closer together, so in the morning I call Michelle, the midwife on call, and let her know. They're getting a little intense, and they're not easy to ignore like the earlier ones. Michelle tells me I need to just go ahead and ignore them though. So I decide to get busy. I make bread, pick over the roast from last night and get some chicken soup going, and take a shower. It's kind of like playing don't think of the pink elephants though. I KNOW they're there.
I decide a nap is a good idea. I ask Loren to come lie down with me. I know he won't take a nap, but I want him there because I know it will help me fall asleep in spite of the contractions. They're not necessarily painful, per se, but they are getting pretty intense.
I wake up at three thirtyish and they're now quite intense. We time them for a while and they're about two minutes apart and minute long, but still pretty irregular. During the really intense ones I lean back against Loren and hang in his arms. It helps a lot. Loren calls Michelle for me, because I am pacing around, stomping my feet and hitting furniture because it's intense and I need to move. Michelle asks to speak to me. I kneel in the child's pose so I can talk easily. She asks me if the contractions are painful all over. I think about it for a second. "That's an interesting question. They're only kinda painful low down, but my uterus is hard all over, I can feel that." She says she's in Idaho Falls, but she's coming now.
I tell Loren I'm going to feel really silly if she comes and I'm not in labor. I know that first time Mom's have long labors, and that they tend to over-react and think they're further along than they are. I'm pretty sure I'm only just getting started on this journey.
A member of the bishopric stops by the house to let us know we're being released from our calling. Loren answers the door, I feel a contraction coming on and go into the bedroom to lean on the dresser. I work very hard to be quiet so that Loren doesn't have to explain that no, I'm not dying.....
When he leaves, I come out into the living room. Loren goes to do something on his computer. "Please don't get on your computer! I NEED you!" I whine. (yes whine). "Oh Aiden! I wasn't going to stay on! I was just going to get the 'Aiden' playlist I put together when we were dating going. Would you like me to do that?" Loren tells me, putting his arms around me. "NO. I need YOU." I tell him. He closes his laptop.
The contractions start getting REALLY intense. I'm sitting on the hall floor with Loren, crying because it feels so intense already, not so that I can't handle it, but I just KNOW I have days more to go, and I don't know if I can DO that. I start to panic and I'm pretty much crawling all over him trying to escape the contractions and telling him, "I just CAN'T DO DAYS OF THIS!!!!!" and he's telling me "Yes you can! I know you can do this!"
All of a sudden, I have this overwhelming, WONDERFUL feeling. "Loren! I want to PUSH! CALL THE MIDWIFE!" Now I know that the worst part is over and I can TOTALLY do this. Tears are gone, panic's gone, the end is in sight and I am focused. On not pushing until the midwife gets here.
I stand up in the hall and put my back against the wall. I put my hands and feet against the linen cupboard, and I tell myself, you can push all you want, on the cupboard. You aren't allowed to push the baby out until Michelle gets here. Until she gets here, you push on the cupboard. I start a little chant, "Don't push! Don't push! DON'T push! Don't PUSH!" In the back of my head I'm feeling amused and sorry for Loren as he's making up the bed with a shower curtain and talking to the midwife, because I know the only thing he's been worried about this whole pregnancy is that the midwife won't make it in time and he'll have to deliver the baby.
Loren has the phone on speaker as usual, so I hear Michelle talking to him. I hear, "Tell her to breathe!" I shout, "I'm BREATHING!!" I hear, "Tell her to lie down on her side." I shout, "If I MOVE, I'm PUSHING. OkAY??" Loren relays the message about pushing, but he must not have heard my breathing comment because he comes in to tell me to breathe. "I'M BREATHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I yell at him. I feel kinda sorry a couple seconds later, but I'm too busy not pushing to apologize.
Michelle arrives. I go into the bedroom and lay down. "If there's anything you want me to do, tell me now or it's not happening." I tell her. "Well, you might want to take off your pants. I'm pretty sure the baby doesn't want to be born in there." I think that's pretty funny, but I'm too focused to laugh. We get my pants off. "I can push now, right?" I ask. "I'm pretty sure you can." Michelle says. "I'm just checking, I know sometimes you can feel the urge to push when you're not fully dilated." "Aiden, I can see the baby's HEAD. You can push." I can finally PUSH! It's intense, but honestly it's not as intense as the contractions. I'm not really doing it. I'm not making myself push, it just happens. It feels so natural. It feels natural to have my hands on my knees, opeing myself up, pushing this baby out. I can feel the head start to come, and I can feel stretching happening, but it's nowhere near the "ring of fire" I've heard described. Not comfortable, sure, but not bad. I make myself ease back a bit so that I can have a little time to stretch instead of tearing. Michelle asks Loren if the bathroom is nearby. Typically she would have hot ginger tea compresses on my perineum, helping it stretch, but today she's just going to have to settle for hot tap water. Loren's right there helping her, since her assistant hasn't made it yet, and I'm listening to what's going on as I push. I don't want to push as hard and fast as my body wants to, so I'm sending some of the extra energy into deep gutteral groans. I'm pretty sure I sound just as melodramatic as those television births I'm always making fun of.
I hear Michelle ask Loren if he wants to catch. He sounds a little uncertain, until she explains that they'll do it together, and then he's pretty gung ho. I hear her talking him through it, and in just a couple pushes he's putting our baby on my belly. "I love you!" I gasp. I say it over and over again. "I love you! I love you! I love you!" I'm mostly saying it to the precious pink baby making tiny, half-hearted cries on my belly, but I'm also saying it to Loren. I'm surprised at how pink the skin is, I've seen babies be born, and usually at least their hands and feet are blueish. Michelle puts a warm towel over my Little L and tells me the cord is long enough I can pull the baby up closer, and I bring my beautiful, beautiful baby up so I can kiss the little head. Michelle asks if it's a boy or a girl, I don't know. I'm too busy loving my Baby. Loren's sitting up next to my head and looking down at the baby now. Both of us are wondering if we have a boy or a girl, and finally I try to look, but it's a funny angle. Michelle looks and tells us we have a boy. "Levi!" I say. "Oh Levi! I love you so much! Loren! Little L is a Levi!"
We get Levi latched on and he's nursing right away. I'm so proud of him! And Loren's right there with me. I am so thankful for this wonderful man who was so calm and sure and steady through this. I'm so in love with him, with our baby, with everything!
Levi was born at 4:55, sixteen minutes after Michelle arrived. I am so glad we decided to have a home birth. I'm glad I was able to labor in my own home, with just my beloved Sweetheart with me. It was nice to only have him there watching me freak out, and helping me stay calmish. I'm glad we didn't have to drive anywhere, because I would have waited so long, and the birth was so fast, Levi would have been born roadside. And it's cold here in January. I'm glad I had such amazing midwives, who were so wonderful and helped me prepare so well for this birth. They were so knowledgable and helped me make informed decisions. I'm glad I was able to eat my favorite almond cookies while Levi was nursing for the first time. I'm glad I got to hold him and nurse him for over an hour before they weighed him and measured him. I'm glad we got to skype our parents while the midwives were finishing doing their thing, and let them see their new grandson. I'm glad Loren and I spent our first night with our baby alone, even if I was paranoid about Levi getting cold and spent the whole night checking his temperature every half hour and changing the thermostat all over the place. I'm glad I had a heart-shaped placenta. It was very fitting that a baby made of love, loved from the moment his existence was known, born into a home full of love, should have been nourished by the symbol of love.
Monday, December 12, 2011
You marry who you date.
Okay single ladies, I've got to talk to you. I have heard so many women complaining about men being scumbags, and so many great guys complaining that all the great women aren't giving them a second look. Now it's true, a man typically does the asking out on a date. But it's also true that most men need a little encouragement. Especially the best men. I'm going to break this up into sections.
Section 1: Rethink your criteria.
1. Personality. Don't look for flash, look for substance. If you're waiting for some guy to blow you away with his wit and charm, well, honestly, most of the guys who do that are good at it because they have lots of PRACTICE. And if they have lots of practice blowing women away with wit and charm, what does that say about them??? Many of the best husbands aren't obviously interesting right off the bat. A lot of men are quiet at first because they like to figure out the water before they jump in.
2. Good looks. Wrapping paper doesn't matter after it's torn off the present. Seriously. Media has told us that our spouse needs a certain degree of gorgeous hunkiness for us to get it on and have a happy marriage. But I will tell you from personal experience and observation, that you start seeing people as their personality not their physique. No matter how perfect a guy's face is if he's a jerk you're going to start thinking, "I hate that ugly light in his eyes, and give me a break! That smarmy smile of his??? Blech!" A totally sweet, great guy can have buck teeth, acne, a big nose and be all out of proportion, but after you get to know him you'll start thinking, "Oh I just melt when he smiles at me! I think he's the cutest guy on earth!!" Remember, no matter how Hollywood material a guy is, you're not going to want him touching you after you know what he did with the gal on the corner. A man who makes you scrambled eggs and toast in the middle of the night....he can make you forget you're having morning sickness when he holds you no matter what he looks like.
3. Material things. If you're like me, and plan on being a stay at home mom at some point, yes, you need a man who can provide. However, just because he drives a nice car and wears nice clothes doesn't mean he can. He could just be good at swiping a card. A man with a beat up jalopy and a paint-stained coat who has good work ethic and financial habits will manage to pay the bills somehow. You might need to scale back your wants and focus on necessities sometimes, but the right kind of husband will be worth eating in and wearing thrift store clothes.
Section 2: RED FLAGS!!!!
1. Addiction. Whether it's drugs (legal or not), pornography, self-mutilation, work, any kind of addiction should have you running for the hills. A man who is addicted has given himself to something else and he WILL choose it over you. You should be the most important part of your husband's life, except maybe God.
2. Abuse. If he abuses you in any way, cut him from your life. Not just physically either. If he belittles you, pressures you into situations you're not comfortable with, or manipulates you, he is abusing you. Period, paragraph. Don't put up with it. When a man abuses you, to him you are just an object he can use. You are NOT. You are a human being with rights.
3. Dishonesty. If you can't trust him, trying to have a relationship will be like trying to build a house on quicksand.
Section 3: Hints he's a keeper. (I'll be adding personal examples to these ones) Note, no man is perfect, and you need to determine what is important to you.
1. He listens to your opinions and considers them. When Loren and I were dating he always consulted me when making decisions that might affect me. He also changed a few aspects of his life after hearing my thoughts, such as eliminating substitute swear words from his speech. Now that we're married, I leave our finances mostly up to his excellent judgement, but he always consults me when drawing up the monthly budget, and checks with me before doing anything that isn't routine. I suppose he doesn't have to do that, but in his mind not doing so would be wrong.
2. You grow more around him, and he encourages that growth. I don't like cars. I don't like being a passenger in them, and when I'm driving and can't pretend I'm not in a car, I like them even less. When Loren and I met I knew how to drive a little, but I wasn't really moving forward with learning. He's taught me how to drive fairly confidently. He hasn't convinced me to get my license yet, but I'm sure he will one of these days.
3. He respects your body. Loren would wait until he was absolutely certain I welcomed the idea before he initiated any kind of physical contact. He waited for invitations, asked questions to gauge my degree of comfort, and was quick to back-pedal if he felt I didn't like something. There were certain lines that were drawn in stone and until I was his wife he wouldn't even dream of crossing them. Now that there are rings on our fingers, things are still the same. He would never, ever want anything from me that I didn't give freely of my own choice.
4. You have similar values. Compatibility isn't about both liking dogs or wanting to live in florida when you retire. Yeah, those kinds of things can be helpful, but the real compatibility questions are what do you both believe in? Loren and I are both strongly committed to the idea that our marriage is eternal, so we both work very hard to make it the best we can. We both agree that being frugal is better than getting into debt, so we're both willing to eat oatmeal for breakfast every day if we have to. We both agree that the church we belong to is true and that we need to live by its precepts and we try to encourage each other to do so. We both agree that punishing children physically is wrong, and we won't allow it in our home. Because we have these similar beliefs, we avoid many common disagreements, and we have a stable, thriving marriage. And of course we both agree we're madly in love with each other!! :-)
If you're dating, how do you choose who to date? If you're married, what qualities does your spouse have that make your marriage successful?
Section 1: Rethink your criteria.
1. Personality. Don't look for flash, look for substance. If you're waiting for some guy to blow you away with his wit and charm, well, honestly, most of the guys who do that are good at it because they have lots of PRACTICE. And if they have lots of practice blowing women away with wit and charm, what does that say about them??? Many of the best husbands aren't obviously interesting right off the bat. A lot of men are quiet at first because they like to figure out the water before they jump in.
2. Good looks. Wrapping paper doesn't matter after it's torn off the present. Seriously. Media has told us that our spouse needs a certain degree of gorgeous hunkiness for us to get it on and have a happy marriage. But I will tell you from personal experience and observation, that you start seeing people as their personality not their physique. No matter how perfect a guy's face is if he's a jerk you're going to start thinking, "I hate that ugly light in his eyes, and give me a break! That smarmy smile of his??? Blech!" A totally sweet, great guy can have buck teeth, acne, a big nose and be all out of proportion, but after you get to know him you'll start thinking, "Oh I just melt when he smiles at me! I think he's the cutest guy on earth!!" Remember, no matter how Hollywood material a guy is, you're not going to want him touching you after you know what he did with the gal on the corner. A man who makes you scrambled eggs and toast in the middle of the night....he can make you forget you're having morning sickness when he holds you no matter what he looks like.
3. Material things. If you're like me, and plan on being a stay at home mom at some point, yes, you need a man who can provide. However, just because he drives a nice car and wears nice clothes doesn't mean he can. He could just be good at swiping a card. A man with a beat up jalopy and a paint-stained coat who has good work ethic and financial habits will manage to pay the bills somehow. You might need to scale back your wants and focus on necessities sometimes, but the right kind of husband will be worth eating in and wearing thrift store clothes.
Section 2: RED FLAGS!!!!
1. Addiction. Whether it's drugs (legal or not), pornography, self-mutilation, work, any kind of addiction should have you running for the hills. A man who is addicted has given himself to something else and he WILL choose it over you. You should be the most important part of your husband's life, except maybe God.
2. Abuse. If he abuses you in any way, cut him from your life. Not just physically either. If he belittles you, pressures you into situations you're not comfortable with, or manipulates you, he is abusing you. Period, paragraph. Don't put up with it. When a man abuses you, to him you are just an object he can use. You are NOT. You are a human being with rights.
3. Dishonesty. If you can't trust him, trying to have a relationship will be like trying to build a house on quicksand.
Section 3: Hints he's a keeper. (I'll be adding personal examples to these ones) Note, no man is perfect, and you need to determine what is important to you.
1. He listens to your opinions and considers them. When Loren and I were dating he always consulted me when making decisions that might affect me. He also changed a few aspects of his life after hearing my thoughts, such as eliminating substitute swear words from his speech. Now that we're married, I leave our finances mostly up to his excellent judgement, but he always consults me when drawing up the monthly budget, and checks with me before doing anything that isn't routine. I suppose he doesn't have to do that, but in his mind not doing so would be wrong.
2. You grow more around him, and he encourages that growth. I don't like cars. I don't like being a passenger in them, and when I'm driving and can't pretend I'm not in a car, I like them even less. When Loren and I met I knew how to drive a little, but I wasn't really moving forward with learning. He's taught me how to drive fairly confidently. He hasn't convinced me to get my license yet, but I'm sure he will one of these days.
3. He respects your body. Loren would wait until he was absolutely certain I welcomed the idea before he initiated any kind of physical contact. He waited for invitations, asked questions to gauge my degree of comfort, and was quick to back-pedal if he felt I didn't like something. There were certain lines that were drawn in stone and until I was his wife he wouldn't even dream of crossing them. Now that there are rings on our fingers, things are still the same. He would never, ever want anything from me that I didn't give freely of my own choice.
4. You have similar values. Compatibility isn't about both liking dogs or wanting to live in florida when you retire. Yeah, those kinds of things can be helpful, but the real compatibility questions are what do you both believe in? Loren and I are both strongly committed to the idea that our marriage is eternal, so we both work very hard to make it the best we can. We both agree that being frugal is better than getting into debt, so we're both willing to eat oatmeal for breakfast every day if we have to. We both agree that the church we belong to is true and that we need to live by its precepts and we try to encourage each other to do so. We both agree that punishing children physically is wrong, and we won't allow it in our home. Because we have these similar beliefs, we avoid many common disagreements, and we have a stable, thriving marriage. And of course we both agree we're madly in love with each other!! :-)
If you're dating, how do you choose who to date? If you're married, what qualities does your spouse have that make your marriage successful?