It's the evening of January the nineteenth. For months I've been asking my Little L to come January 20th. I want to meet my baby so much! We'll be full term then, but it'll cut a week and a half off the pregnancy and Loren and I can meet this tiny person we've been so excited about for so long.
I feel kind of sad, because I haven't felt any signs of labor, and I'm pretty sure I've got ages to go yet, and I'm tired of asking Loren to put my shoes on my feet for me. I'm also tired of the fact that I can't kneel down to say my prayers. This fact is especially apparent to me at the moment since I'm in the middle of them.
"Father in Heaven, I am so incredibly excited and scared for this. I want to meet my baby right now! I ask that he or she may come soon, that I may see my Little L's face, and let Loren share more fully this experience. This beloved son or daughter of Thine that Thou art giving us is such a precious gift. I am so thankful for this amazing opportunity to learn how to be more like Thee. But I'm not sure I'm ready for this. Please Father, I need Thee to be with me when the time comes. I need to have Thee here giving me strength and wisdom. I don't know what giving birth will be like, I've never done this before. I've watched my mother, and she was so strong and peaceful, and I look back at that and I know I can do this. Then I hear other women's stories and I get so scared. I just don't know what's going to happen, and I know I can't control things, and I don't like that. I don't like not knowing. Father, I ask Thee that this birth may be safe, and happy. I pray that my little one may come at a good time, in a good way. I pray that we both may be strong and healthy. I desire so much to be a good mother to this child. Father, I need Thee so much. Please help me to be a good example, to build a home full of Thy spirit, to be wise and kind, to give my Little L the guidance he or she needs. Thou understandest more than I do. I cannot see everthing Thou canst. I am willing to do all that Thou asketh of me, even though it might not be what I think I want or need. I know that Thou wilt provide a way for me. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen"
I flip my scriptures open to a random place, and my finger lands on the words, "Behold, I come quickly."
During the night I begin to feel a little crampy, and by the morning I'm sure I'm having contractions of some sort, especially since there's some bloody show. They're kinda short and far apart and not very regular though. So I call one of the midwives to give them a heads up that SOMEthing's happening, and find out which midwife is on call so that if things pick up I know who to bug.
Until the contractions start getting closer together, I have some errands to run. It occurs to me that I forgot to get an old sheet at the DI to put on the bed, and that I never arranged to pick up the extension cord I'm borrowing for the birth. Oh, and I need bleach. Somewhere in the papers the midwives gave us it says something about bleach, but I never have it because I hate it.
After the errands, we decide that the house needs to be cleaned. Or more precisely I decide the house needs to be cleaned and Loren being the amazing man he is helps me out.
For dinner we eat roast chicken with potatoes and carrots that I had in the crockpot all day. I put it in there in the morning, because I didn't want to finish up having a baby and then wonder what dinner was going to be.
Then we decide to go for a walk, that's supposed to be good. It's a very short walk, since it's cold and dark and rainy. When we get home we drink hot cocoa and watch Remington Steele on Hulu.
As we go to bed I feel kinda sad that the 20th is ending and no baby. But I'm happy things are happening. I'm not sure what to expect, but I know most first time Mom's have long labors, so I'm pretty sure I have several days to go.
During the night the contractions get a little stronger, and closer together, so in the morning I call Michelle, the midwife on call, and let her know. They're getting a little intense, and they're not easy to ignore like the earlier ones. Michelle tells me I need to just go ahead and ignore them though. So I decide to get busy. I make bread, pick over the roast from last night and get some chicken soup going, and take a shower. It's kind of like playing don't think of the pink elephants though. I KNOW they're there.
I decide a nap is a good idea. I ask Loren to come lie down with me. I know he won't take a nap, but I want him there because I know it will help me fall asleep in spite of the contractions. They're not necessarily painful, per se, but they are getting pretty intense.
I wake up at three thirtyish and they're now quite intense. We time them for a while and they're about two minutes apart and minute long, but still pretty irregular. During the really intense ones I lean back against Loren and hang in his arms. It helps a lot. Loren calls Michelle for me, because I am pacing around, stomping my feet and hitting furniture because it's intense and I need to move. Michelle asks to speak to me. I kneel in the child's pose so I can talk easily. She asks me if the contractions are painful all over. I think about it for a second. "That's an interesting question. They're only kinda painful low down, but my uterus is hard all over, I can feel that." She says she's in Idaho Falls, but she's coming now.
I tell Loren I'm going to feel really silly if she comes and I'm not in labor. I know that first time Mom's have long labors, and that they tend to over-react and think they're further along than they are. I'm pretty sure I'm only just getting started on this journey.
A member of the bishopric stops by the house to let us know we're being released from our calling. Loren answers the door, I feel a contraction coming on and go into the bedroom to lean on the dresser. I work very hard to be quiet so that Loren doesn't have to explain that no, I'm not dying.....
When he leaves, I come out into the living room. Loren goes to do something on his computer. "Please don't get on your computer! I NEED you!" I whine. (yes whine). "Oh Aiden! I wasn't going to stay on! I was just going to get the 'Aiden' playlist I put together when we were dating going. Would you like me to do that?" Loren tells me, putting his arms around me. "NO. I need YOU." I tell him. He closes his laptop.
The contractions start getting REALLY intense. I'm sitting on the hall floor with Loren, crying because it feels so intense already, not so that I can't handle it, but I just KNOW I have days more to go, and I don't know if I can DO that. I start to panic and I'm pretty much crawling all over him trying to escape the contractions and telling him, "I just CAN'T DO DAYS OF THIS!!!!!" and he's telling me "Yes you can! I know you can do this!"
All of a sudden, I have this overwhelming, WONDERFUL feeling. "Loren! I want to PUSH! CALL THE MIDWIFE!" Now I know that the worst part is over and I can TOTALLY do this. Tears are gone, panic's gone, the end is in sight and I am focused. On not pushing until the midwife gets here.
I stand up in the hall and put my back against the wall. I put my hands and feet against the linen cupboard, and I tell myself, you can push all you want, on the cupboard. You aren't allowed to push the baby out until Michelle gets here. Until she gets here, you push on the cupboard. I start a little chant, "Don't push! Don't push! DON'T push! Don't PUSH!" In the back of my head I'm feeling amused and sorry for Loren as he's making up the bed with a shower curtain and talking to the midwife, because I know the only thing he's been worried about this whole pregnancy is that the midwife won't make it in time and he'll have to deliver the baby.
Loren has the phone on speaker as usual, so I hear Michelle talking to him. I hear, "Tell her to breathe!" I shout, "I'm BREATHING!!" I hear, "Tell her to lie down on her side." I shout, "If I MOVE, I'm PUSHING. OkAY??" Loren relays the message about pushing, but he must not have heard my breathing comment because he comes in to tell me to breathe. "I'M BREATHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I yell at him. I feel kinda sorry a couple seconds later, but I'm too busy not pushing to apologize.
Michelle arrives. I go into the bedroom and lay down. "If there's anything you want me to do, tell me now or it's not happening." I tell her. "Well, you might want to take off your pants. I'm pretty sure the baby doesn't want to be born in there." I think that's pretty funny, but I'm too focused to laugh. We get my pants off. "I can push now, right?" I ask. "I'm pretty sure you can." Michelle says. "I'm just checking, I know sometimes you can feel the urge to push when you're not fully dilated." "Aiden, I can see the baby's HEAD. You can push." I can finally PUSH! It's intense, but honestly it's not as intense as the contractions. I'm not really doing it. I'm not making myself push, it just happens. It feels so natural. It feels natural to have my hands on my knees, opeing myself up, pushing this baby out. I can feel the head start to come, and I can feel stretching happening, but it's nowhere near the "ring of fire" I've heard described. Not comfortable, sure, but not bad. I make myself ease back a bit so that I can have a little time to stretch instead of tearing. Michelle asks Loren if the bathroom is nearby. Typically she would have hot ginger tea compresses on my perineum, helping it stretch, but today she's just going to have to settle for hot tap water. Loren's right there helping her, since her assistant hasn't made it yet, and I'm listening to what's going on as I push. I don't want to push as hard and fast as my body wants to, so I'm sending some of the extra energy into deep gutteral groans. I'm pretty sure I sound just as melodramatic as those television births I'm always making fun of.
I hear Michelle ask Loren if he wants to catch. He sounds a little uncertain, until she explains that they'll do it together, and then he's pretty gung ho. I hear her talking him through it, and in just a couple pushes he's putting our baby on my belly. "I love you!" I gasp. I say it over and over again. "I love you! I love you! I love you!" I'm mostly saying it to the precious pink baby making tiny, half-hearted cries on my belly, but I'm also saying it to Loren. I'm surprised at how pink the skin is, I've seen babies be born, and usually at least their hands and feet are blueish. Michelle puts a warm towel over my Little L and tells me the cord is long enough I can pull the baby up closer, and I bring my beautiful, beautiful baby up so I can kiss the little head. Michelle asks if it's a boy or a girl, I don't know. I'm too busy loving my Baby. Loren's sitting up next to my head and looking down at the baby now. Both of us are wondering if we have a boy or a girl, and finally I try to look, but it's a funny angle. Michelle looks and tells us we have a boy. "Levi!" I say. "Oh Levi! I love you so much! Loren! Little L is a Levi!"
We get Levi latched on and he's nursing right away. I'm so proud of him! And Loren's right there with me. I am so thankful for this wonderful man who was so calm and sure and steady through this. I'm so in love with him, with our baby, with everything!
Levi was born at 4:55, sixteen minutes after Michelle arrived. I am so glad we decided to have a home birth. I'm glad I was able to labor in my own home, with just my beloved Sweetheart with me. It was nice to only have him there watching me freak out, and helping me stay calmish. I'm glad we didn't have to drive anywhere, because I would have waited so long, and the birth was so fast, Levi would have been born roadside. And it's cold here in January. I'm glad I had such amazing midwives, who were so wonderful and helped me prepare so well for this birth. They were so knowledgable and helped me make informed decisions. I'm glad I was able to eat my favorite almond cookies while Levi was nursing for the first time. I'm glad I got to hold him and nurse him for over an hour before they weighed him and measured him. I'm glad we got to skype our parents while the midwives were finishing doing their thing, and let them see their new grandson. I'm glad Loren and I spent our first night with our baby alone, even if I was paranoid about Levi getting cold and spent the whole night checking his temperature every half hour and changing the thermostat all over the place. I'm glad I had a heart-shaped placenta. It was very fitting that a baby made of love, loved from the moment his existence was known, born into a home full of love, should have been nourished by the symbol of love.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Monday, December 12, 2011
You marry who you date.
Okay single ladies, I've got to talk to you. I have heard so many women complaining about men being scumbags, and so many great guys complaining that all the great women aren't giving them a second look. Now it's true, a man typically does the asking out on a date. But it's also true that most men need a little encouragement. Especially the best men. I'm going to break this up into sections.
Section 1: Rethink your criteria.
1. Personality. Don't look for flash, look for substance. If you're waiting for some guy to blow you away with his wit and charm, well, honestly, most of the guys who do that are good at it because they have lots of PRACTICE. And if they have lots of practice blowing women away with wit and charm, what does that say about them??? Many of the best husbands aren't obviously interesting right off the bat. A lot of men are quiet at first because they like to figure out the water before they jump in.
2. Good looks. Wrapping paper doesn't matter after it's torn off the present. Seriously. Media has told us that our spouse needs a certain degree of gorgeous hunkiness for us to get it on and have a happy marriage. But I will tell you from personal experience and observation, that you start seeing people as their personality not their physique. No matter how perfect a guy's face is if he's a jerk you're going to start thinking, "I hate that ugly light in his eyes, and give me a break! That smarmy smile of his??? Blech!" A totally sweet, great guy can have buck teeth, acne, a big nose and be all out of proportion, but after you get to know him you'll start thinking, "Oh I just melt when he smiles at me! I think he's the cutest guy on earth!!" Remember, no matter how Hollywood material a guy is, you're not going to want him touching you after you know what he did with the gal on the corner. A man who makes you scrambled eggs and toast in the middle of the night....he can make you forget you're having morning sickness when he holds you no matter what he looks like.
3. Material things. If you're like me, and plan on being a stay at home mom at some point, yes, you need a man who can provide. However, just because he drives a nice car and wears nice clothes doesn't mean he can. He could just be good at swiping a card. A man with a beat up jalopy and a paint-stained coat who has good work ethic and financial habits will manage to pay the bills somehow. You might need to scale back your wants and focus on necessities sometimes, but the right kind of husband will be worth eating in and wearing thrift store clothes.
Section 2: RED FLAGS!!!!
1. Addiction. Whether it's drugs (legal or not), pornography, self-mutilation, work, any kind of addiction should have you running for the hills. A man who is addicted has given himself to something else and he WILL choose it over you. You should be the most important part of your husband's life, except maybe God.
2. Abuse. If he abuses you in any way, cut him from your life. Not just physically either. If he belittles you, pressures you into situations you're not comfortable with, or manipulates you, he is abusing you. Period, paragraph. Don't put up with it. When a man abuses you, to him you are just an object he can use. You are NOT. You are a human being with rights.
3. Dishonesty. If you can't trust him, trying to have a relationship will be like trying to build a house on quicksand.
Section 3: Hints he's a keeper. (I'll be adding personal examples to these ones) Note, no man is perfect, and you need to determine what is important to you.
1. He listens to your opinions and considers them. When Loren and I were dating he always consulted me when making decisions that might affect me. He also changed a few aspects of his life after hearing my thoughts, such as eliminating substitute swear words from his speech. Now that we're married, I leave our finances mostly up to his excellent judgement, but he always consults me when drawing up the monthly budget, and checks with me before doing anything that isn't routine. I suppose he doesn't have to do that, but in his mind not doing so would be wrong.
2. You grow more around him, and he encourages that growth. I don't like cars. I don't like being a passenger in them, and when I'm driving and can't pretend I'm not in a car, I like them even less. When Loren and I met I knew how to drive a little, but I wasn't really moving forward with learning. He's taught me how to drive fairly confidently. He hasn't convinced me to get my license yet, but I'm sure he will one of these days.
3. He respects your body. Loren would wait until he was absolutely certain I welcomed the idea before he initiated any kind of physical contact. He waited for invitations, asked questions to gauge my degree of comfort, and was quick to back-pedal if he felt I didn't like something. There were certain lines that were drawn in stone and until I was his wife he wouldn't even dream of crossing them. Now that there are rings on our fingers, things are still the same. He would never, ever want anything from me that I didn't give freely of my own choice.
4. You have similar values. Compatibility isn't about both liking dogs or wanting to live in florida when you retire. Yeah, those kinds of things can be helpful, but the real compatibility questions are what do you both believe in? Loren and I are both strongly committed to the idea that our marriage is eternal, so we both work very hard to make it the best we can. We both agree that being frugal is better than getting into debt, so we're both willing to eat oatmeal for breakfast every day if we have to. We both agree that the church we belong to is true and that we need to live by its precepts and we try to encourage each other to do so. We both agree that punishing children physically is wrong, and we won't allow it in our home. Because we have these similar beliefs, we avoid many common disagreements, and we have a stable, thriving marriage. And of course we both agree we're madly in love with each other!! :-)
If you're dating, how do you choose who to date? If you're married, what qualities does your spouse have that make your marriage successful?
Section 1: Rethink your criteria.
1. Personality. Don't look for flash, look for substance. If you're waiting for some guy to blow you away with his wit and charm, well, honestly, most of the guys who do that are good at it because they have lots of PRACTICE. And if they have lots of practice blowing women away with wit and charm, what does that say about them??? Many of the best husbands aren't obviously interesting right off the bat. A lot of men are quiet at first because they like to figure out the water before they jump in.
2. Good looks. Wrapping paper doesn't matter after it's torn off the present. Seriously. Media has told us that our spouse needs a certain degree of gorgeous hunkiness for us to get it on and have a happy marriage. But I will tell you from personal experience and observation, that you start seeing people as their personality not their physique. No matter how perfect a guy's face is if he's a jerk you're going to start thinking, "I hate that ugly light in his eyes, and give me a break! That smarmy smile of his??? Blech!" A totally sweet, great guy can have buck teeth, acne, a big nose and be all out of proportion, but after you get to know him you'll start thinking, "Oh I just melt when he smiles at me! I think he's the cutest guy on earth!!" Remember, no matter how Hollywood material a guy is, you're not going to want him touching you after you know what he did with the gal on the corner. A man who makes you scrambled eggs and toast in the middle of the night....he can make you forget you're having morning sickness when he holds you no matter what he looks like.
3. Material things. If you're like me, and plan on being a stay at home mom at some point, yes, you need a man who can provide. However, just because he drives a nice car and wears nice clothes doesn't mean he can. He could just be good at swiping a card. A man with a beat up jalopy and a paint-stained coat who has good work ethic and financial habits will manage to pay the bills somehow. You might need to scale back your wants and focus on necessities sometimes, but the right kind of husband will be worth eating in and wearing thrift store clothes.
Section 2: RED FLAGS!!!!
1. Addiction. Whether it's drugs (legal or not), pornography, self-mutilation, work, any kind of addiction should have you running for the hills. A man who is addicted has given himself to something else and he WILL choose it over you. You should be the most important part of your husband's life, except maybe God.
2. Abuse. If he abuses you in any way, cut him from your life. Not just physically either. If he belittles you, pressures you into situations you're not comfortable with, or manipulates you, he is abusing you. Period, paragraph. Don't put up with it. When a man abuses you, to him you are just an object he can use. You are NOT. You are a human being with rights.
3. Dishonesty. If you can't trust him, trying to have a relationship will be like trying to build a house on quicksand.
Section 3: Hints he's a keeper. (I'll be adding personal examples to these ones) Note, no man is perfect, and you need to determine what is important to you.
1. He listens to your opinions and considers them. When Loren and I were dating he always consulted me when making decisions that might affect me. He also changed a few aspects of his life after hearing my thoughts, such as eliminating substitute swear words from his speech. Now that we're married, I leave our finances mostly up to his excellent judgement, but he always consults me when drawing up the monthly budget, and checks with me before doing anything that isn't routine. I suppose he doesn't have to do that, but in his mind not doing so would be wrong.
2. You grow more around him, and he encourages that growth. I don't like cars. I don't like being a passenger in them, and when I'm driving and can't pretend I'm not in a car, I like them even less. When Loren and I met I knew how to drive a little, but I wasn't really moving forward with learning. He's taught me how to drive fairly confidently. He hasn't convinced me to get my license yet, but I'm sure he will one of these days.
3. He respects your body. Loren would wait until he was absolutely certain I welcomed the idea before he initiated any kind of physical contact. He waited for invitations, asked questions to gauge my degree of comfort, and was quick to back-pedal if he felt I didn't like something. There were certain lines that were drawn in stone and until I was his wife he wouldn't even dream of crossing them. Now that there are rings on our fingers, things are still the same. He would never, ever want anything from me that I didn't give freely of my own choice.
4. You have similar values. Compatibility isn't about both liking dogs or wanting to live in florida when you retire. Yeah, those kinds of things can be helpful, but the real compatibility questions are what do you both believe in? Loren and I are both strongly committed to the idea that our marriage is eternal, so we both work very hard to make it the best we can. We both agree that being frugal is better than getting into debt, so we're both willing to eat oatmeal for breakfast every day if we have to. We both agree that the church we belong to is true and that we need to live by its precepts and we try to encourage each other to do so. We both agree that punishing children physically is wrong, and we won't allow it in our home. Because we have these similar beliefs, we avoid many common disagreements, and we have a stable, thriving marriage. And of course we both agree we're madly in love with each other!! :-)
If you're dating, how do you choose who to date? If you're married, what qualities does your spouse have that make your marriage successful?
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Creamy salad dressing
I used to think salad dressings were one of those things that you couldn't really make from scratch....before I learned that there isn't really anything you can't make from scratch.
I like this dressing, because it's made with stuff you probably have on hand, it's really easy, and it tastes good.
Creamy salad dressing
Mayonnaise. (the real stuff. Miracle whip or anything that tastes similar won't work. Besides, it's nasty......)
Lemon juice
Milk
Paprika
Garlic powder
Italian seasoning
Put mayo in a bowl. 1 large spoonful makes enough for two meals of salad at our house. Add some lemon juice. More lemon juice makes a nice lemony dressing that's good on chicken, less lemon makes it kind of like ranch dressing. Add milk to get the consistency you want. I tend to make it thinner so that it coats the lettuce easier. You're probably not going to get that super-thick store dressing consistency, but I don't like it that way myself so I don't care. Add the seasonings to taste. Whisk until smooth.
Something I like to do with this is take two frozen chicken breasts, coat them with the dressing and then breadcrumbs, dot with a little butter, and bake at 350 until the meat is done. It's not very crispy, but it has a lovely flavor and the chicken stays pretty juicy even if you overcook it a bit. (It will get dry eventually, but you have to REALLY overcook it.....)
I like this dressing, because it's made with stuff you probably have on hand, it's really easy, and it tastes good.
Creamy salad dressing
Mayonnaise. (the real stuff. Miracle whip or anything that tastes similar won't work. Besides, it's nasty......)
Lemon juice
Milk
Paprika
Garlic powder
Italian seasoning
Put mayo in a bowl. 1 large spoonful makes enough for two meals of salad at our house. Add some lemon juice. More lemon juice makes a nice lemony dressing that's good on chicken, less lemon makes it kind of like ranch dressing. Add milk to get the consistency you want. I tend to make it thinner so that it coats the lettuce easier. You're probably not going to get that super-thick store dressing consistency, but I don't like it that way myself so I don't care. Add the seasonings to taste. Whisk until smooth.
Something I like to do with this is take two frozen chicken breasts, coat them with the dressing and then breadcrumbs, dot with a little butter, and bake at 350 until the meat is done. It's not very crispy, but it has a lovely flavor and the chicken stays pretty juicy even if you overcook it a bit. (It will get dry eventually, but you have to REALLY overcook it.....)
Friday, December 2, 2011
Challenge the status quo.
Some things that have been ingrained into our systems have been good, are good, and always will be good. Like looking both ways before we cross the street, or that making an effort to eat at least a few veggies is good for us.
Some things we take for granted aren't good for us though. I wish more people would stop saying "Of course it's good! That's how it's done!" and get out and educate themselves.
I want to tell you at the very beginning here that I am not out to make you believe what I believe. I don't want you to be a blind follower. I want you to get out there and ask your own questions and form your own opinions. Read studies, compare philosophies, take what you deem good and reject the bad. I've cobbled together my own idea of what's right from a lot of different sources, but I'm quick to reject any part of a philosophy that doesn't jive with my research or my common sense.
In the tips I'm including some examples of opinions I've formed and some of the information behind them. I don't want you to just accept what I say (I could be wrong and I don't want that kind of power!), or reject it. I want you to say "huh, I wonder?" and go find out things for yourself. You might come to a completely different conclusion that me. And that's fine. But you will have gone out and actually made an informed decision that I can respect. I can't take seriously the opinion of people who blindly say, "but that's normal." Just because it is doesn't mean it SHOULD be.
Tips:
1. Studies can help you get more solid proof than just people's opinions. However, studies CAN be skewed to get desired results. When reading studies, look at who was included, how many were included, what factors were controlled for, things like that. A blatantly skewed study from the seventies concluded that home-birth was dangerous. If you actually look at the study itself, you find that their definition of home-birth was any out-of-hospital birth. Included were planned hospital births that didn't make it on time, unattended home-births by drug addicts and such, and even MISCARRIAGES!!! A different study from the 70's that compared the perinatal mortality rate of 1,046 planned home-births to 1,046 planned hospital births, all the mothers from both groups being low-risk, concluded this: "'The hospital-birth women were more likely than the planned home birth mothers to have had the following: five times more likely to have high blood pressure in labor, nine times more likely to have a severe perineal tear, three times more likely to have had postpartum hemorrhage, and three times more likely to have had a Cesarean.' The babies born to the hospital birth women also had a higher complication rate than the babies born to home birth women. In the hospitals, the infants were six times more likely to have had fetal distress before birth, four times more likely to have needed assistance to start breathing, and four times more likely to have developed an infection. There were no birth injuries at home, but thirty infants in the hospital suffered birth injuries." - quoted from Birthing From Within by Pam England CNM, MA, and Rob Horowitz PHD.
2. Compare both sides of an argument. Really listen. Ask questions. Who has concerns about valid problems? Can those problems be minimized by certain actions? Is either side supported by good information? Is someone just using opinions? Is someone using scare-tactics? Are those scare-tactics well-researched and warranted? Or are they just throwing out a few rare examples? Does either side have a vested interest in a specific outcome for political or economic reasons? Is either side ignoring or obfuscating important evidence against them? Be willing to switch sides if you find you're wrong, or find a balanced middle ground between both camps if your research takes you there. My Mom believes in homeopathy. I don't. I believe in some parts of naturopathy, but not homeopathy. I haven't found any good evidence for it or against it really. I do find that homeopathic companies tend to make rather outlandish claims about their product on what seems to be a whim. This makes me feel that they are snake oil salesmen and I don't trust what they're selling. I am welcome to receiving better information for or against. I think it's a wonderfully cool idea.
3. Take a look at the history and science behind something, in our own culture and others. For example, the routine use of modern circumcision techniques on boys was started in the Victorian era to prevent masturbation. (it doesn't). The original Jewish circumcision only removed the loose tip of the foreskin that extended beyond the glans. Modern circumcision involves forcibly peeling the entire protective foreskin from the mucous membranes of the glans (to which it is naturally adhered to at birth, separating later as the boy matures), turning a sensitive area into a large open wound, and then cutting off the entire foreskin, which normally functions for the glans kind of like the eyelids for the eyes. The cons of this procedure are the risk of infection and surgical error possibly resulting in permanent dysfunction or even death, and to be perfectly honest, you just cut off an area that when intact is responsible for a great deal of sexual pleasure, and the procedure can often reduce the mature size of the penis. (Yeah, they don't know what they're missing, but is it fair to deny them the opportunity to find out?) As for the pros: over the course of the years people keep throwing out ideas as to why circumcision should still be performed. None of the ideas have been substantiated, and almost all of them have been repudiated. Female circumcision (the removal of the clitoris) is done in some third world countries and hailed to be an incredibly cruel and barbaric act by us enlightened societies. I can't see that male circumcision is all that much different. America is the only first world society that still does routine circumcision on boy babies.
Feel free to add any tips I may have missed in the comments section!
Some things we take for granted aren't good for us though. I wish more people would stop saying "Of course it's good! That's how it's done!" and get out and educate themselves.
I want to tell you at the very beginning here that I am not out to make you believe what I believe. I don't want you to be a blind follower. I want you to get out there and ask your own questions and form your own opinions. Read studies, compare philosophies, take what you deem good and reject the bad. I've cobbled together my own idea of what's right from a lot of different sources, but I'm quick to reject any part of a philosophy that doesn't jive with my research or my common sense.
In the tips I'm including some examples of opinions I've formed and some of the information behind them. I don't want you to just accept what I say (I could be wrong and I don't want that kind of power!), or reject it. I want you to say "huh, I wonder?" and go find out things for yourself. You might come to a completely different conclusion that me. And that's fine. But you will have gone out and actually made an informed decision that I can respect. I can't take seriously the opinion of people who blindly say, "but that's normal." Just because it is doesn't mean it SHOULD be.
Tips:
1. Studies can help you get more solid proof than just people's opinions. However, studies CAN be skewed to get desired results. When reading studies, look at who was included, how many were included, what factors were controlled for, things like that. A blatantly skewed study from the seventies concluded that home-birth was dangerous. If you actually look at the study itself, you find that their definition of home-birth was any out-of-hospital birth. Included were planned hospital births that didn't make it on time, unattended home-births by drug addicts and such, and even MISCARRIAGES!!! A different study from the 70's that compared the perinatal mortality rate of 1,046 planned home-births to 1,046 planned hospital births, all the mothers from both groups being low-risk, concluded this: "'The hospital-birth women were more likely than the planned home birth mothers to have had the following: five times more likely to have high blood pressure in labor, nine times more likely to have a severe perineal tear, three times more likely to have had postpartum hemorrhage, and three times more likely to have had a Cesarean.' The babies born to the hospital birth women also had a higher complication rate than the babies born to home birth women. In the hospitals, the infants were six times more likely to have had fetal distress before birth, four times more likely to have needed assistance to start breathing, and four times more likely to have developed an infection. There were no birth injuries at home, but thirty infants in the hospital suffered birth injuries." - quoted from Birthing From Within by Pam England CNM, MA, and Rob Horowitz PHD.
2. Compare both sides of an argument. Really listen. Ask questions. Who has concerns about valid problems? Can those problems be minimized by certain actions? Is either side supported by good information? Is someone just using opinions? Is someone using scare-tactics? Are those scare-tactics well-researched and warranted? Or are they just throwing out a few rare examples? Does either side have a vested interest in a specific outcome for political or economic reasons? Is either side ignoring or obfuscating important evidence against them? Be willing to switch sides if you find you're wrong, or find a balanced middle ground between both camps if your research takes you there. My Mom believes in homeopathy. I don't. I believe in some parts of naturopathy, but not homeopathy. I haven't found any good evidence for it or against it really. I do find that homeopathic companies tend to make rather outlandish claims about their product on what seems to be a whim. This makes me feel that they are snake oil salesmen and I don't trust what they're selling. I am welcome to receiving better information for or against. I think it's a wonderfully cool idea.
3. Take a look at the history and science behind something, in our own culture and others. For example, the routine use of modern circumcision techniques on boys was started in the Victorian era to prevent masturbation. (it doesn't). The original Jewish circumcision only removed the loose tip of the foreskin that extended beyond the glans. Modern circumcision involves forcibly peeling the entire protective foreskin from the mucous membranes of the glans (to which it is naturally adhered to at birth, separating later as the boy matures), turning a sensitive area into a large open wound, and then cutting off the entire foreskin, which normally functions for the glans kind of like the eyelids for the eyes. The cons of this procedure are the risk of infection and surgical error possibly resulting in permanent dysfunction or even death, and to be perfectly honest, you just cut off an area that when intact is responsible for a great deal of sexual pleasure, and the procedure can often reduce the mature size of the penis. (Yeah, they don't know what they're missing, but is it fair to deny them the opportunity to find out?) As for the pros: over the course of the years people keep throwing out ideas as to why circumcision should still be performed. None of the ideas have been substantiated, and almost all of them have been repudiated. Female circumcision (the removal of the clitoris) is done in some third world countries and hailed to be an incredibly cruel and barbaric act by us enlightened societies. I can't see that male circumcision is all that much different. America is the only first world society that still does routine circumcision on boy babies.
Feel free to add any tips I may have missed in the comments section!
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Change your perspective.
Last night I found myself scrubbing the tub at 11:30 pm, (that's the middle of my night), tired and miserable and crying. I couldn't sleep so I'd decided scrubbing the tub was a good way to use my extra time. My head hurt, my joints ached, I felt a million years old.
I found myself getting really mad at my husband for being asleep. I asked my sponge, Mr. Bingledorf, "How come HE doesn't ever have to be pregnant???" Whereupon my tired brain spoke for Mr. Bingledorf: "How come YOU don't have to worry about getting good grades in college while supporting a wife and soon-to-be child and never getting enough sleep because unlike SOME people nap-time is not an option???" Touche Mr. Bingledorf. Touche.
I finally gave up on the tub and crawled back into bed hoping to fall asleep. But I couldn't. So I cried instead. Then FINALLY I got comfy and was ALMOST to dreamland, when my fetus started screaming FEED ME!!!!!! Somewhere in the process of getting the bread out to make myself a sandwich or something it was all just too overwhelming and Loren came out to find me sitting on the floor, leaning against the table, sobbing. He lifted me up onto a chair, made me a cheese sandwich, told me I'm beautiful and made me laugh, and then when we went back to bed he held me and hummed until I fell asleep. When he woke up at 2:45 to get ready for work he told me to stay in bed, made his own breakfast, and washed every single dish he used before he left.
The point of this story is, I COULD have woke him up just to tell him how mad I was at him. I was sorely tempted to. I chose to recognize that I was being an idiot though and didn't. Which is good, because when a man will sacrifice his hard-earned sleep to make you a cheese sandwich and a joke in the middle of the night, he really doesn't deserve to be yelled at. And if you yell at him he might not want to do things like make you a cheese sandwich in the middle of the night anymore.
I found myself getting really mad at my husband for being asleep. I asked my sponge, Mr. Bingledorf, "How come HE doesn't ever have to be pregnant???" Whereupon my tired brain spoke for Mr. Bingledorf: "How come YOU don't have to worry about getting good grades in college while supporting a wife and soon-to-be child and never getting enough sleep because unlike SOME people nap-time is not an option???" Touche Mr. Bingledorf. Touche.
I finally gave up on the tub and crawled back into bed hoping to fall asleep. But I couldn't. So I cried instead. Then FINALLY I got comfy and was ALMOST to dreamland, when my fetus started screaming FEED ME!!!!!! Somewhere in the process of getting the bread out to make myself a sandwich or something it was all just too overwhelming and Loren came out to find me sitting on the floor, leaning against the table, sobbing. He lifted me up onto a chair, made me a cheese sandwich, told me I'm beautiful and made me laugh, and then when we went back to bed he held me and hummed until I fell asleep. When he woke up at 2:45 to get ready for work he told me to stay in bed, made his own breakfast, and washed every single dish he used before he left.
The point of this story is, I COULD have woke him up just to tell him how mad I was at him. I was sorely tempted to. I chose to recognize that I was being an idiot though and didn't. Which is good, because when a man will sacrifice his hard-earned sleep to make you a cheese sandwich and a joke in the middle of the night, he really doesn't deserve to be yelled at. And if you yell at him he might not want to do things like make you a cheese sandwich in the middle of the night anymore.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
You can stay married without fighting.
My husband and I have only had one fight, kind of. It was about a week before we got married. We had been in Idaho, where we were moving to, for a couple of weeks to take possession of our apartment and look (unsuccessfully as far as we knew) for jobs. We were on our way back to our hometowns for the wedding. We had been in the car for eleven hours and we were both tired and hungry and stressed out. The fight was only a few seconds long and consisted of me asking an inappropriate question, him answering in a slightly raised tone, and then us realizing we were being idiots and apologizing to each other and both feeling awful for our part in it. I'm not even sure it really counts as a fight.
Of course, we've only been married about eight months, not even as long as we were engaged, but trust me, we've had plenty of chances to rip into each other. We've handled getting jobs, losing jobs, looking for jobs, unplanned pregnancy, several sleepless nights in a row with me crying in pain, financial setbacks, visits from our parents, and hurt feelings.
I realize that according to the online marriage articles this means we're supposed to get divorced in a couple years, but that's dumb. My husband and I are not repressed pots of seething resentment and unspoken anger just waiting to explode or fall out of love and into bitter boredom. We're a deeply happy couple who made a commitment to dealing with things maturely long before we got married.
I believe that it is entirely possible to have a long, wonderful marriage and not fight. I've met at least three happily married couples who have managed to make it to a ripe old age without fighting.
I am defining fight as: any heated or angry discussion, any difference of opinion that is not resolved in such a way that both parties are comfortable-even if it means agreeing to disagree, any conversation in which a party or parties speak expressly to hurt feelings, not speaking to each other, any violent action, or any other form of deliberate unkindness, expression of anger, or inability to communicate and mesh differences.
Tips for not fighting:
1 Never, ever, ever act with the intent to hurt. If something may possibly hurt your spouse in some way, don't do it. If you say something and realize it might have hurt their feelings, apologize. Do everything in your power to avoid causing pain. Watch for sins of omission too. Be careful to do the things that are important and make your spouse feel good. If you don't, it will hurt them.
2 Assume your spouse does not intend to hurt you. Obviously, if your spouse punches you in the face while screaming obscenities, they meant to hurt you, and you both need help. But if he forgot to buy you a gift, fell asleep when you were talking, or gets so busy playing with the kids he doesn't put them to bed, don't start thinking he's out to get you! It's okay to express that it hurts, as long as you let them know you are aware they didn't mean it, and that you're just indicating an area they can watch out for in the future. Your sweetheart can try his very hardest to be the very best husband and he will still occasionally be forgetful, tired, or thoughtless. If you treat such episodes as minor, forgivable lapses in an otherwise sound love, they aren't as likely to get defensive and hurt your feelings more.
3 Snuggle while you talk. Seriously. If you've got something important to discuss, cuddle up together on the couch before you get going. It's hard to fight when you're so comfortable.
4 Think before you speak. I don't mean so that you can find the choicest words to make them feel low as dust! Think about how what you're about to say will impact the other person before you say it. Are you saying something because you think it will be useful to the discussion? Or just venting? Venting is okay, if you're not going to hurt the other person. Is it something that really needs to be worked out together? Or are you being unreasonable and really ought to work it out on your own? Think carefully before you bring up a topic that may cause an argument. I often realize before I talk to Loren about something that I'm being an idiot and need to just get over myself. Sometimes I can't do that though and need to talk to him anyways. I will tell him at the beginning, "I know I'm being totally unreasonable, but this is bugging me and I thought you would like to know so maybe we can fix it"
5 Be very willing to apologize. I apologize for things all the time. So does my husband. Sometimes we apologize for things and the other person didn't even notice what we're apologizing for. Don't wait for their feelings to be hurt. Preemptive apologizing works wonders. If their feelings are hurt, apologize. And no fair doing that weaselly "I'm sorry you feel that way" thing. That's just adding insult to injury. It IS okay to say, "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I didn't know that doing such and such would," if you add that you won't do it again and follow through on it. If you did something that you KNEW would hurt your spouse's feelings, then you may NOT say, "I'm sorry BUT." That is not an apology. That is an excuse. What you're really saying is that you are not sorry at all. You may not apologize until you are sorry for DOING it. In which case you will say, "I'm sorry I went behind your back and bought Jenny a TV for her room. It was wrong of me." and then you do your best to FIX IT and NOT DO IT AGAIN! Remember, it is NOT okay to purposefully do things you know will hurt your spouses feelings.
5 In regards to doing things that you know will hurt your spouses feelings. Sometimes you may feel that something needs doing while your spouse disagrees. Until you have worked out a mutually satisfying solution, it is NOT OKAY to act! If for some reason you feel it imperative to do something that you feel your spouse generally disapproves of, but you think they will be okay with circumstantially, but you're not sure and have to act RIGHT NOW, then do what you think is best, and AS SOON AS POSSIBLE tell your love exactly what you did and why you did it, and ask if that's okay with them, and apologize if it isn't. This only applies to things like you've always wanted to buy a boat, but your husband says they're too expensive. Then you see a really great one at a garage sale for 10 dollars, and you have an extra ten dollars, and you have to buy it before someone else does. You're not entirely sure he will approve, but you figure if not, you can sell it for a profit on Craigslist.
6 An apology means that you have a desire not to do something again. If you apologize for something, you also need to follow up with actions. Stop doing it, fix what you can, do something to make up for it. If it's a habit that's going to take a long time to fix, let them know you're working on it, and ACTUALLY WORK ON IT!!! I can't tell you how many times I've apologized to my husband for talking too much at night when he needs to be going to sleep. At first I wasn't sure what to do, but I'm learning some techniques to keep myself quieter, such as turning away from him, not letting myself think about things I may want to discuss with him, and making sure I spend time talking to him beFORE we go to sleep. It may take me a very long time to get it figured out, but he knows I'm trying, and that lets him know I truly am sorry for keeping him up, and not just saying empty words.
7 Listen with an OPEN MIND. People give all kinds of techniques for showing someone that you're listening, but really, the best way is to just be open to the idea that you might be doing something wrong. Don't get all defensive. When you're trying to solve a problem with your spouse, prickliness just puts up a big hedge neither of you can cross and instead of getting anything done you're both left stewing on your respective side of pride. Ask questions, "What can I do to make that easier for you?" It's okay to present difficulties you may see, IF you present them with an idea to overcoming them, not dropping them like reinforced concrete blocks across the road. "Honey, I don't think we have enough money for that. Let's look at what we can do, I'd love to hear your ideas."
8 Do not criticize needlessly. It honestly doesn't matter if your husband puts the silverware handle up or handle down in the dishwasher. Nagging him about it all the time isn't going to solve the problem. You may express a preference, but leave it at that. Don't tell them things they already know. Saying he has bad posture when he's probably already quite aware of it won't help anything. The ONLY time you should offer a criticism is when someone is probably not aware of something important. And then it should be offered sensitively and with kind intent. Other than that it is not "constructive criticism" (what a dumb term.....it's just an excuse to be a witch)
9 Appreciate even misguided attempts at showing love. My husband hasn't really had a problem with trying to show love in the wrong ways to me, because he's been blessed with a sensitive nature that picks up on what I do and don't like. However, I am terrible when it comes to this. The few times he has come home after a bad day he usually just wants to be left alone to think. I tend to hover over him trying to "fix it." He's very gracious about this and only gives the gentlest, although clear, indications that he would rather I didn't. He probably hopes I'll learn how to handle this better quickly, but in the meantime he thanks me for my concern, doesn't get annoyed with me, and accepts that I'm doing it out of love.
10 When talking with your Sweetheart, do not drop hints and expect them to pick up on what you want. If you want something, tell them! For instance, I have this terrible habit of finishing a glass of water, and then wanting more. I won't really want to get up from where I am, so I will lift up my cup and look in it, like those cartoon drunks checking the mug for the last drop of beer, hoping Loren will notice and offer to get me a refill. (he's a very wonderful guy, so if he figured out what I was trying to say, he most certainly would). It's truly the dumbest thing. I don't think he has any clue what I'm doing, so so far I haven't been embarrassed by it, but he'll probably read this and laugh at me. (I'm a goose, I know! I love you!) The funny thing is, I KNOW that if I said, "Hey Loren, would you please get me some more water?" he would do it! And willingly! And yet here I am sitting with my empty glass feeling mildly irritated with him because he didn't even notice me look into my cup like a cartoon drunk and certainly didn't correctly guess the meaning and fill it for me. I think I do it because I feel like I SHOULD just get up and get mySELF a glass of water, and by not actually asking him, I don't have to feel guilty. Just....irritated with my husband. This is very silly thinking, and trust me, I'm working on it.
11 Be honest with yourself. As the above story illustrates, I've spent time trying to figure out why exactly I'm sitting with an empty glass feeling irritated with my husband. We often trick ourselves into turning one emotion, such as guilt or fear, into another one, like irritation or anger. These are called secondary emotions. Anger is a SECONDARY emotion that is NOT OKAY. I do not think it is ever okay to be angry. I have and do feel angry occasionally, but as soon as I am, I remove myself from the situation until I can identify the primary emotion that my anger is coming from, hurt, fear, whatever, and what I can do to fix it. Stop and think about your feelings before you act on them. Be honest about what's really going on. Remember that there are two sides to every issue, and don't be afraid to accuse yourself of being in the wrong. You'll learn a lot about yourself, and avoid a lot of pain and misery.
12 Build good self-esteem. You're much less likely to get defensive or avoid necessary conversations if you feel good about yourself.
I know there are a lot of other things you can do to make communication better, but I tried to stick to some of the less widely covered, obvious ones, and bring to light some of the tricks that I feel are peculiar to my husband and I, so that this post wouldn't become too long. Please feel free to post your tips and tricks for a pleasant marriage in the comments!!!!
Of course, we've only been married about eight months, not even as long as we were engaged, but trust me, we've had plenty of chances to rip into each other. We've handled getting jobs, losing jobs, looking for jobs, unplanned pregnancy, several sleepless nights in a row with me crying in pain, financial setbacks, visits from our parents, and hurt feelings.
I realize that according to the online marriage articles this means we're supposed to get divorced in a couple years, but that's dumb. My husband and I are not repressed pots of seething resentment and unspoken anger just waiting to explode or fall out of love and into bitter boredom. We're a deeply happy couple who made a commitment to dealing with things maturely long before we got married.
I believe that it is entirely possible to have a long, wonderful marriage and not fight. I've met at least three happily married couples who have managed to make it to a ripe old age without fighting.
I am defining fight as: any heated or angry discussion, any difference of opinion that is not resolved in such a way that both parties are comfortable-even if it means agreeing to disagree, any conversation in which a party or parties speak expressly to hurt feelings, not speaking to each other, any violent action, or any other form of deliberate unkindness, expression of anger, or inability to communicate and mesh differences.
Tips for not fighting:
1 Never, ever, ever act with the intent to hurt. If something may possibly hurt your spouse in some way, don't do it. If you say something and realize it might have hurt their feelings, apologize. Do everything in your power to avoid causing pain. Watch for sins of omission too. Be careful to do the things that are important and make your spouse feel good. If you don't, it will hurt them.
2 Assume your spouse does not intend to hurt you. Obviously, if your spouse punches you in the face while screaming obscenities, they meant to hurt you, and you both need help. But if he forgot to buy you a gift, fell asleep when you were talking, or gets so busy playing with the kids he doesn't put them to bed, don't start thinking he's out to get you! It's okay to express that it hurts, as long as you let them know you are aware they didn't mean it, and that you're just indicating an area they can watch out for in the future. Your sweetheart can try his very hardest to be the very best husband and he will still occasionally be forgetful, tired, or thoughtless. If you treat such episodes as minor, forgivable lapses in an otherwise sound love, they aren't as likely to get defensive and hurt your feelings more.
3 Snuggle while you talk. Seriously. If you've got something important to discuss, cuddle up together on the couch before you get going. It's hard to fight when you're so comfortable.
4 Think before you speak. I don't mean so that you can find the choicest words to make them feel low as dust! Think about how what you're about to say will impact the other person before you say it. Are you saying something because you think it will be useful to the discussion? Or just venting? Venting is okay, if you're not going to hurt the other person. Is it something that really needs to be worked out together? Or are you being unreasonable and really ought to work it out on your own? Think carefully before you bring up a topic that may cause an argument. I often realize before I talk to Loren about something that I'm being an idiot and need to just get over myself. Sometimes I can't do that though and need to talk to him anyways. I will tell him at the beginning, "I know I'm being totally unreasonable, but this is bugging me and I thought you would like to know so maybe we can fix it"
5 Be very willing to apologize. I apologize for things all the time. So does my husband. Sometimes we apologize for things and the other person didn't even notice what we're apologizing for. Don't wait for their feelings to be hurt. Preemptive apologizing works wonders. If their feelings are hurt, apologize. And no fair doing that weaselly "I'm sorry you feel that way" thing. That's just adding insult to injury. It IS okay to say, "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I didn't know that doing such and such would," if you add that you won't do it again and follow through on it. If you did something that you KNEW would hurt your spouse's feelings, then you may NOT say, "I'm sorry BUT." That is not an apology. That is an excuse. What you're really saying is that you are not sorry at all. You may not apologize until you are sorry for DOING it. In which case you will say, "I'm sorry I went behind your back and bought Jenny a TV for her room. It was wrong of me." and then you do your best to FIX IT and NOT DO IT AGAIN! Remember, it is NOT okay to purposefully do things you know will hurt your spouses feelings.
5 In regards to doing things that you know will hurt your spouses feelings. Sometimes you may feel that something needs doing while your spouse disagrees. Until you have worked out a mutually satisfying solution, it is NOT OKAY to act! If for some reason you feel it imperative to do something that you feel your spouse generally disapproves of, but you think they will be okay with circumstantially, but you're not sure and have to act RIGHT NOW, then do what you think is best, and AS SOON AS POSSIBLE tell your love exactly what you did and why you did it, and ask if that's okay with them, and apologize if it isn't. This only applies to things like you've always wanted to buy a boat, but your husband says they're too expensive. Then you see a really great one at a garage sale for 10 dollars, and you have an extra ten dollars, and you have to buy it before someone else does. You're not entirely sure he will approve, but you figure if not, you can sell it for a profit on Craigslist.
6 An apology means that you have a desire not to do something again. If you apologize for something, you also need to follow up with actions. Stop doing it, fix what you can, do something to make up for it. If it's a habit that's going to take a long time to fix, let them know you're working on it, and ACTUALLY WORK ON IT!!! I can't tell you how many times I've apologized to my husband for talking too much at night when he needs to be going to sleep. At first I wasn't sure what to do, but I'm learning some techniques to keep myself quieter, such as turning away from him, not letting myself think about things I may want to discuss with him, and making sure I spend time talking to him beFORE we go to sleep. It may take me a very long time to get it figured out, but he knows I'm trying, and that lets him know I truly am sorry for keeping him up, and not just saying empty words.
7 Listen with an OPEN MIND. People give all kinds of techniques for showing someone that you're listening, but really, the best way is to just be open to the idea that you might be doing something wrong. Don't get all defensive. When you're trying to solve a problem with your spouse, prickliness just puts up a big hedge neither of you can cross and instead of getting anything done you're both left stewing on your respective side of pride. Ask questions, "What can I do to make that easier for you?" It's okay to present difficulties you may see, IF you present them with an idea to overcoming them, not dropping them like reinforced concrete blocks across the road. "Honey, I don't think we have enough money for that. Let's look at what we can do, I'd love to hear your ideas."
8 Do not criticize needlessly. It honestly doesn't matter if your husband puts the silverware handle up or handle down in the dishwasher. Nagging him about it all the time isn't going to solve the problem. You may express a preference, but leave it at that. Don't tell them things they already know. Saying he has bad posture when he's probably already quite aware of it won't help anything. The ONLY time you should offer a criticism is when someone is probably not aware of something important. And then it should be offered sensitively and with kind intent. Other than that it is not "constructive criticism" (what a dumb term.....it's just an excuse to be a witch)
9 Appreciate even misguided attempts at showing love. My husband hasn't really had a problem with trying to show love in the wrong ways to me, because he's been blessed with a sensitive nature that picks up on what I do and don't like. However, I am terrible when it comes to this. The few times he has come home after a bad day he usually just wants to be left alone to think. I tend to hover over him trying to "fix it." He's very gracious about this and only gives the gentlest, although clear, indications that he would rather I didn't. He probably hopes I'll learn how to handle this better quickly, but in the meantime he thanks me for my concern, doesn't get annoyed with me, and accepts that I'm doing it out of love.
10 When talking with your Sweetheart, do not drop hints and expect them to pick up on what you want. If you want something, tell them! For instance, I have this terrible habit of finishing a glass of water, and then wanting more. I won't really want to get up from where I am, so I will lift up my cup and look in it, like those cartoon drunks checking the mug for the last drop of beer, hoping Loren will notice and offer to get me a refill. (he's a very wonderful guy, so if he figured out what I was trying to say, he most certainly would). It's truly the dumbest thing. I don't think he has any clue what I'm doing, so so far I haven't been embarrassed by it, but he'll probably read this and laugh at me. (I'm a goose, I know! I love you!) The funny thing is, I KNOW that if I said, "Hey Loren, would you please get me some more water?" he would do it! And willingly! And yet here I am sitting with my empty glass feeling mildly irritated with him because he didn't even notice me look into my cup like a cartoon drunk and certainly didn't correctly guess the meaning and fill it for me. I think I do it because I feel like I SHOULD just get up and get mySELF a glass of water, and by not actually asking him, I don't have to feel guilty. Just....irritated with my husband. This is very silly thinking, and trust me, I'm working on it.
11 Be honest with yourself. As the above story illustrates, I've spent time trying to figure out why exactly I'm sitting with an empty glass feeling irritated with my husband. We often trick ourselves into turning one emotion, such as guilt or fear, into another one, like irritation or anger. These are called secondary emotions. Anger is a SECONDARY emotion that is NOT OKAY. I do not think it is ever okay to be angry. I have and do feel angry occasionally, but as soon as I am, I remove myself from the situation until I can identify the primary emotion that my anger is coming from, hurt, fear, whatever, and what I can do to fix it. Stop and think about your feelings before you act on them. Be honest about what's really going on. Remember that there are two sides to every issue, and don't be afraid to accuse yourself of being in the wrong. You'll learn a lot about yourself, and avoid a lot of pain and misery.
12 Build good self-esteem. You're much less likely to get defensive or avoid necessary conversations if you feel good about yourself.
I know there are a lot of other things you can do to make communication better, but I tried to stick to some of the less widely covered, obvious ones, and bring to light some of the tricks that I feel are peculiar to my husband and I, so that this post wouldn't become too long. Please feel free to post your tips and tricks for a pleasant marriage in the comments!!!!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Eat cheap food. Cook from scratch.
I get that we have a busy, fast paced culture and sometimes people are tired. So convenience food sounds like a great idea, right? Well, think again. My husband and I get pretty adequate nutrition for about 20-30 dollars a week. More like 35 or 40 if we're feeling indulgent and decide to make things like homemade hamburgers. (Do homemade hamburgers and you can feed your whole family for what it would have cost for just you and your husband!) Think about how much you spend on food. How much of it is convenience/fast food? be honest! Now convert that into hours worked. Scary, huh? So, basically, you COULD be working less, and eating better. If you wanted to.
A typically weekly grocery trip for us looks like this:
Milk
Eggs
Frozen chicken breasts
Margarine (I prefer butter because of the trans fats margarine contains, but when things are tight you gotta do what ya gotta do)
Lettuce
Squash
Tomatoes
Onions
Celery
Apples
Bananas
A couple pantry staples such as soy-sauce or lentils
We have a wheat grinder and I make all our bread 100 % whole wheat from scratch, and all our other baked goods from scratch. Buying a fifty pound bag of wheat occasionally is not very expensive at all.
Here's a typical menu for a few days with prep times:
Day one
Oatmeal with milk and banana slices: 10 min
Apple slices with peanutbutter: 2 min
Egg salad sandwich with lettuce: 5 min if eggs are already boiled and bread is already baked.
Chicken grilled with a little olive oil, green salad with homemade dressing: 45 min
1 hr two min. + 40 min active time to grind wheat and bake bread in the morning, and 10to boil the eggs. Less than two hours total.
Day two
Whole wheat pancakes with margarine and low sugar peach jam we canned in the summer: 15 min
Oatmeal cookies and a banana: 1hr, but most of that the cookies are baking and you're doing other things. So we'll call it 15 min
Leftover salad with leftover chicken and some sauteed onion added: 10 min
Homemade chicken soup with squash, onions, tomatoes, celery, carrots and anything else I have and feel like in it, and a slice of bread: 30 min, but you'll want to let it simmer for a while for the flavors to meld, so we'll call it an hour, but I bet you'll read a book and not stare at the pot.
2 hr 10 min
Day three (we'll assume I'm busy or not feeling great, so it's pretty low key)
Eggs and buttered toast with the option of jam or cinnamon sugar. (three eggs, two basted easy for him, one fried over hard for me): 10 min
Leftover cookies and carrot sticks: 5 min
Peanut butter and banana sandwich, celery sticks: 5 min
Leftover soup and bread: 10 min (to heat up the soup on the stove since we don't have a microwave)
30 min
So for about two hours a day you can eat healthy, or you can work for four hours a day or more to eat junk food and die of clogged arteries or diabetic complications. With this kind of diet you can cut out short-burst energizers like coffee, soda, or excess sugar, because you'll be eating great and working less, so you'll have WAY more energy. You can even wear the cute skinny person clothes you've always wanted to! You could eat this way, and still work the extra two hours a day, and save up for the downpayment on that house you want. You will have far fewer medical expenses in the long run, so you're saving yourself money in the future too.
When you eat this way, you don't have to worry about crash diets or anything like that. My husband has been slowly but steadily losing weight since we got married. It was a lot more at first, and now it's leveling off. He's a healthy weight now, and feels great. I'm gaining the weight I should be for our baby, but not too much. When you're eating healthy foods prepared properly, it's a lot easier to regulate your eating without even having to think about it. Convenience foods are typically overly processed foods that contain too much sugar, fake things like sucralose and trans fats, and too few nutrients. When your body isn't bombarded by pseudo-food, but real, fresh, natural ingredients, it tends to choose to eat the right amounts. And as you can see, you can still indulge in things like cookies, popcorn, etc. But when you're making them at home with real ingredients, they're better for you. Try it and see.
Tips:
1 You don't have to worry about couponing your groceries, because honestly you will hardly ever buy anything someone would bother publishing a coupon for if you live like this. (coupons are a marketing ploy to get people to buy stuff they don't really need, like name brand toilet paper or toaster strudel pastries) Sometimes you can use one to get a sweet deal on toothpaste, but usually they're not worth the trouble.
2 Avoid shortcuts. If a recipe says to use lipton onion soup mix, or condensed cream of mushroom soup, or half a bottle of salad dressing, you're not really cooking from scratch. You're assembling convenience foods with a few real ingredients to make pretend from scratch food. It takes like, TWO minutes to look up how to season a dish properly, or whip up an easy white sauce. (well, maybe five for the white sauce). And think of all the preservatives and other guck you're adding to your food!!!!
3 Shop the edges of the store. It's where they keep the real food. Avoid the middle like the plague except to dart in commando-style and grab things like molassess and oatmeal.
4 Be wary of frozen vegetables. Compare prices. Sometimes they're a better deal, but a lot of times buying fresh is best. Fresh vegetables tend to be more versatile too, because their cell walls haven't been broken down by the freezing process. And no matter what anyone tells you, you can't really make a proper stirfry from frozen veggies!!!!!!
5 If you cannot resist your children's pleas for cap'n crunch, or your husband's sneaky slip-the-chips-in-the-basket-while-she's-not-looking maneuver, don't bring them with you! I do all the shopping and cooking in my home. We eat what I make. I accomadate my husband's tastes a lot (homemade pizza anyone?), and I buy special treats for us occasionally (he likes that aerosol cheese on crackers....he'll eat a whole can in less than an hour), but our basic diet is what I buy and make. I'm not saying to deprive them of food they enjoy and make them subsist on gruel. My husband thoroughly enjoys what we eat. But if they're the ones loading the cart with too much garbage food, leave them home.
6 Don't shop hungry. I always eat right before I go, because if I don't, all those quick snacks start looking miiiiiiighty tasty!!!!!
7 Don't shop while you have to pee. My Mom told me once that I should always use the bathroom before a job interview, because when you gotta pee you talk to much. I've found a lot of other things just work better on an empty bladder. I think something about excess urine short circuits our brains.
8 Decide how much you want to spend before you go. I draw up a list of what I need to buy before I go and calculate how much it should cost. Some people keep a lot of fancy charts and lists, but I just guesstimate. I don't get specific over my produce either. I tend to just allocate a certain portion of my chosen amount for the trip. Say, five dollars for fruit and six for veggies. If I can buy what I have on my list for less than I've calculated, then I might let myself splurge on something I wouldn't normally buy. Or I put the money aside in my fun money stash.
9 What are you willing to spend? I don't usually let my weekly produce expenditure average out to more than a dollar a pound. That doesn't mean I don't occasionally buy things like strawberries or out of season peaches, but I tend to balance it by choosing things that are far less than my desired price per pound for the rest of my purchase.
10 Shop in season. A general rule of thumb is if it's cheaper than usual, it's in season. That's why you shop in season. Exploring the produce section regularly will help you learn what typical prices are, and help you notice when they've gone down.
How do you eat? What do you do to save money, eat healthier, or save time cooking? What's your favorite recipe? Let me know!
A typically weekly grocery trip for us looks like this:
Milk
Eggs
Frozen chicken breasts
Margarine (I prefer butter because of the trans fats margarine contains, but when things are tight you gotta do what ya gotta do)
Lettuce
Squash
Tomatoes
Onions
Celery
Apples
Bananas
A couple pantry staples such as soy-sauce or lentils
We have a wheat grinder and I make all our bread 100 % whole wheat from scratch, and all our other baked goods from scratch. Buying a fifty pound bag of wheat occasionally is not very expensive at all.
Here's a typical menu for a few days with prep times:
Day one
Oatmeal with milk and banana slices: 10 min
Apple slices with peanutbutter: 2 min
Egg salad sandwich with lettuce: 5 min if eggs are already boiled and bread is already baked.
Chicken grilled with a little olive oil, green salad with homemade dressing: 45 min
1 hr two min. + 40 min active time to grind wheat and bake bread in the morning, and 10to boil the eggs. Less than two hours total.
Day two
Whole wheat pancakes with margarine and low sugar peach jam we canned in the summer: 15 min
Oatmeal cookies and a banana: 1hr, but most of that the cookies are baking and you're doing other things. So we'll call it 15 min
Leftover salad with leftover chicken and some sauteed onion added: 10 min
Homemade chicken soup with squash, onions, tomatoes, celery, carrots and anything else I have and feel like in it, and a slice of bread: 30 min, but you'll want to let it simmer for a while for the flavors to meld, so we'll call it an hour, but I bet you'll read a book and not stare at the pot.
2 hr 10 min
Day three (we'll assume I'm busy or not feeling great, so it's pretty low key)
Eggs and buttered toast with the option of jam or cinnamon sugar. (three eggs, two basted easy for him, one fried over hard for me): 10 min
Leftover cookies and carrot sticks: 5 min
Peanut butter and banana sandwich, celery sticks: 5 min
Leftover soup and bread: 10 min (to heat up the soup on the stove since we don't have a microwave)
30 min
So for about two hours a day you can eat healthy, or you can work for four hours a day or more to eat junk food and die of clogged arteries or diabetic complications. With this kind of diet you can cut out short-burst energizers like coffee, soda, or excess sugar, because you'll be eating great and working less, so you'll have WAY more energy. You can even wear the cute skinny person clothes you've always wanted to! You could eat this way, and still work the extra two hours a day, and save up for the downpayment on that house you want. You will have far fewer medical expenses in the long run, so you're saving yourself money in the future too.
When you eat this way, you don't have to worry about crash diets or anything like that. My husband has been slowly but steadily losing weight since we got married. It was a lot more at first, and now it's leveling off. He's a healthy weight now, and feels great. I'm gaining the weight I should be for our baby, but not too much. When you're eating healthy foods prepared properly, it's a lot easier to regulate your eating without even having to think about it. Convenience foods are typically overly processed foods that contain too much sugar, fake things like sucralose and trans fats, and too few nutrients. When your body isn't bombarded by pseudo-food, but real, fresh, natural ingredients, it tends to choose to eat the right amounts. And as you can see, you can still indulge in things like cookies, popcorn, etc. But when you're making them at home with real ingredients, they're better for you. Try it and see.
Tips:
1 You don't have to worry about couponing your groceries, because honestly you will hardly ever buy anything someone would bother publishing a coupon for if you live like this. (coupons are a marketing ploy to get people to buy stuff they don't really need, like name brand toilet paper or toaster strudel pastries) Sometimes you can use one to get a sweet deal on toothpaste, but usually they're not worth the trouble.
2 Avoid shortcuts. If a recipe says to use lipton onion soup mix, or condensed cream of mushroom soup, or half a bottle of salad dressing, you're not really cooking from scratch. You're assembling convenience foods with a few real ingredients to make pretend from scratch food. It takes like, TWO minutes to look up how to season a dish properly, or whip up an easy white sauce. (well, maybe five for the white sauce). And think of all the preservatives and other guck you're adding to your food!!!!
3 Shop the edges of the store. It's where they keep the real food. Avoid the middle like the plague except to dart in commando-style and grab things like molassess and oatmeal.
4 Be wary of frozen vegetables. Compare prices. Sometimes they're a better deal, but a lot of times buying fresh is best. Fresh vegetables tend to be more versatile too, because their cell walls haven't been broken down by the freezing process. And no matter what anyone tells you, you can't really make a proper stirfry from frozen veggies!!!!!!
5 If you cannot resist your children's pleas for cap'n crunch, or your husband's sneaky slip-the-chips-in-the-basket-while-she's-not-looking maneuver, don't bring them with you! I do all the shopping and cooking in my home. We eat what I make. I accomadate my husband's tastes a lot (homemade pizza anyone?), and I buy special treats for us occasionally (he likes that aerosol cheese on crackers....he'll eat a whole can in less than an hour), but our basic diet is what I buy and make. I'm not saying to deprive them of food they enjoy and make them subsist on gruel. My husband thoroughly enjoys what we eat. But if they're the ones loading the cart with too much garbage food, leave them home.
6 Don't shop hungry. I always eat right before I go, because if I don't, all those quick snacks start looking miiiiiiighty tasty!!!!!
7 Don't shop while you have to pee. My Mom told me once that I should always use the bathroom before a job interview, because when you gotta pee you talk to much. I've found a lot of other things just work better on an empty bladder. I think something about excess urine short circuits our brains.
8 Decide how much you want to spend before you go. I draw up a list of what I need to buy before I go and calculate how much it should cost. Some people keep a lot of fancy charts and lists, but I just guesstimate. I don't get specific over my produce either. I tend to just allocate a certain portion of my chosen amount for the trip. Say, five dollars for fruit and six for veggies. If I can buy what I have on my list for less than I've calculated, then I might let myself splurge on something I wouldn't normally buy. Or I put the money aside in my fun money stash.
9 What are you willing to spend? I don't usually let my weekly produce expenditure average out to more than a dollar a pound. That doesn't mean I don't occasionally buy things like strawberries or out of season peaches, but I tend to balance it by choosing things that are far less than my desired price per pound for the rest of my purchase.
10 Shop in season. A general rule of thumb is if it's cheaper than usual, it's in season. That's why you shop in season. Exploring the produce section regularly will help you learn what typical prices are, and help you notice when they've gone down.
How do you eat? What do you do to save money, eat healthier, or save time cooking? What's your favorite recipe? Let me know!