There's something about having a newborn that most people won't share with you. It's a deep dark, shameful secret most of us are carrying around. But I'm going to share mine because I think it's something we need to admit, so that we can move on. We need to get the word out so that we don't have all these new moms wandering around feeling like horrible people. Wanna know what it is?
You might hate your baby at some point. You may think your child is evil. In the middle of a midnight scream fest you may have a brief death-dealing fantasy. To some degree this is normal. It doesn't make you a bad person.
One night while Levi was screaming for no reason I could determine, I thought, "I could just put him in a paper bag and leave him in a dumpster or on somebody's doorstep. Then I wouldn't have to deal with this." ANd then I thought, "That's too much work. I'd have to put warm clothes on, and get him dressed, and he might not get found in time, and freeze to death, and Loren would hate me, and really I love him too much to do that."
My Mom tells me of the time I needed to be walked for twenty four hours straight and as she stared into my dark, evil little eyes, she had this fantasy where she threw me hard against the wall and watched me slide down into a little heap. Obviously she didn't.
The point is, that yes, being a mom to a newborn is HARD work. And when this little person is wailing and you can't figure out what the matter is, you might have a brief moment of wanting to not do it anymore. The crisis moment. The moment where you ultimately say "Yes. I could kill this child. I could get rid of it. I don't HAVE to do this. But I CHOOSE to." It is one of the defining moments of motherhood. The moment where you recognise that while the child had to come out of you one way or the other, being a mother is ultimately your choice.
Have you had a moment like this? What happened? How do you feel about it now when you look back on it?
*Disclaimer. If you have recurring thoughts of killing your child and/or yourself, you may have post-partum depression and you should get help.
5 comments:
So far 2 of the 3 kids have given me one of those moments in the middle of the night... #3 is only 2 weeks old, so there's still time. And it IS okay to have a thought like that (since you're sleep-deprived and only semi-coherent) as long as you can look at the baby and still love them despite it. And when they get older there are other things they do that make you want to give them away, but if you love them anyway, they will change you. Those moments can make us better, give us patience (oh yes!), and teach us what true love is. And it gives us a glimpse of Heaven... God can still love ALL of his children, no matter what crazy things they do.
I recently came across your blog and I feel the need to inform you and anyone else who reads this entry, that having any thought of killing your child is not normal, if you have any thought like that you need to seek professional help immediately even if its just one thought, these are not normal and you should not think that they are.
I would love to hear why your opinion is that every woman who has such a thought once needs professional help. Every woman with children I've talked to with children has admitted to having such a thought once, and I don't know anyone who has actually killed their child. I have difficulty believing that something so widespread is abnormal. Having such thoughts more than once or dwelling on them is not normal, I agree.
Okay, I would add to this that when it's a fleeting thought, it's probably just sleep deprived Mom wishing. IF you are seriously contemplating killing your child, that is different. That is serious and you should probably talk to someone about that. Mostly it's just a frustrated "I can understand how someone MIGHT accidentally shake their child to death." Not that YOU would ever do it. Or seriously consider it. It's just hard some nights.
Steph, I agree.
Post a Comment
Please remember to be kind. I am fine if you want to take issue with things I've said, but swearing, insulting others, or jumping down people's throats won't be allowed.