Okay single ladies, I've got to talk to you. I have heard so many women complaining about men being scumbags, and so many great guys complaining that all the great women aren't giving them a second look. Now it's true, a man typically does the asking out on a date. But it's also true that most men need a little encouragement. Especially the best men. I'm going to break this up into sections.
Section 1: Rethink your criteria.
1. Personality. Don't look for flash, look for substance. If you're waiting for some guy to blow you away with his wit and charm, well, honestly, most of the guys who do that are good at it because they have lots of PRACTICE. And if they have lots of practice blowing women away with wit and charm, what does that say about them??? Many of the best husbands aren't obviously interesting right off the bat. A lot of men are quiet at first because they like to figure out the water before they jump in.
2. Good looks. Wrapping paper doesn't matter after it's torn off the present. Seriously. Media has told us that our spouse needs a certain degree of gorgeous hunkiness for us to get it on and have a happy marriage. But I will tell you from personal experience and observation, that you start seeing people as their personality not their physique. No matter how perfect a guy's face is if he's a jerk you're going to start thinking, "I hate that ugly light in his eyes, and give me a break! That smarmy smile of his??? Blech!" A totally sweet, great guy can have buck teeth, acne, a big nose and be all out of proportion, but after you get to know him you'll start thinking, "Oh I just melt when he smiles at me! I think he's the cutest guy on earth!!" Remember, no matter how Hollywood material a guy is, you're not going to want him touching you after you know what he did with the gal on the corner. A man who makes you scrambled eggs and toast in the middle of the night....he can make you forget you're having morning sickness when he holds you no matter what he looks like.
3. Material things. If you're like me, and plan on being a stay at home mom at some point, yes, you need a man who can provide. However, just because he drives a nice car and wears nice clothes doesn't mean he can. He could just be good at swiping a card. A man with a beat up jalopy and a paint-stained coat who has good work ethic and financial habits will manage to pay the bills somehow. You might need to scale back your wants and focus on necessities sometimes, but the right kind of husband will be worth eating in and wearing thrift store clothes.
Section 2: RED FLAGS!!!!
1. Addiction. Whether it's drugs (legal or not), pornography, self-mutilation, work, any kind of addiction should have you running for the hills. A man who is addicted has given himself to something else and he WILL choose it over you. You should be the most important part of your husband's life, except maybe God.
2. Abuse. If he abuses you in any way, cut him from your life. Not just physically either. If he belittles you, pressures you into situations you're not comfortable with, or manipulates you, he is abusing you. Period, paragraph. Don't put up with it. When a man abuses you, to him you are just an object he can use. You are NOT. You are a human being with rights.
3. Dishonesty. If you can't trust him, trying to have a relationship will be like trying to build a house on quicksand.
Section 3: Hints he's a keeper. (I'll be adding personal examples to these ones) Note, no man is perfect, and you need to determine what is important to you.
1. He listens to your opinions and considers them. When Loren and I were dating he always consulted me when making decisions that might affect me. He also changed a few aspects of his life after hearing my thoughts, such as eliminating substitute swear words from his speech. Now that we're married, I leave our finances mostly up to his excellent judgement, but he always consults me when drawing up the monthly budget, and checks with me before doing anything that isn't routine. I suppose he doesn't have to do that, but in his mind not doing so would be wrong.
2. You grow more around him, and he encourages that growth. I don't like cars. I don't like being a passenger in them, and when I'm driving and can't pretend I'm not in a car, I like them even less. When Loren and I met I knew how to drive a little, but I wasn't really moving forward with learning. He's taught me how to drive fairly confidently. He hasn't convinced me to get my license yet, but I'm sure he will one of these days.
3. He respects your body. Loren would wait until he was absolutely certain I welcomed the idea before he initiated any kind of physical contact. He waited for invitations, asked questions to gauge my degree of comfort, and was quick to back-pedal if he felt I didn't like something. There were certain lines that were drawn in stone and until I was his wife he wouldn't even dream of crossing them. Now that there are rings on our fingers, things are still the same. He would never, ever want anything from me that I didn't give freely of my own choice.
4. You have similar values. Compatibility isn't about both liking dogs or wanting to live in florida when you retire. Yeah, those kinds of things can be helpful, but the real compatibility questions are what do you both believe in? Loren and I are both strongly committed to the idea that our marriage is eternal, so we both work very hard to make it the best we can. We both agree that being frugal is better than getting into debt, so we're both willing to eat oatmeal for breakfast every day if we have to. We both agree that the church we belong to is true and that we need to live by its precepts and we try to encourage each other to do so. We both agree that punishing children physically is wrong, and we won't allow it in our home. Because we have these similar beliefs, we avoid many common disagreements, and we have a stable, thriving marriage. And of course we both agree we're madly in love with each other!! :-)
If you're dating, how do you choose who to date? If you're married, what qualities does your spouse have that make your marriage successful?
Monday, December 12, 2011
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Creamy salad dressing
I used to think salad dressings were one of those things that you couldn't really make from scratch....before I learned that there isn't really anything you can't make from scratch.
I like this dressing, because it's made with stuff you probably have on hand, it's really easy, and it tastes good.
Creamy salad dressing
Mayonnaise. (the real stuff. Miracle whip or anything that tastes similar won't work. Besides, it's nasty......)
Lemon juice
Milk
Paprika
Garlic powder
Italian seasoning
Put mayo in a bowl. 1 large spoonful makes enough for two meals of salad at our house. Add some lemon juice. More lemon juice makes a nice lemony dressing that's good on chicken, less lemon makes it kind of like ranch dressing. Add milk to get the consistency you want. I tend to make it thinner so that it coats the lettuce easier. You're probably not going to get that super-thick store dressing consistency, but I don't like it that way myself so I don't care. Add the seasonings to taste. Whisk until smooth.
Something I like to do with this is take two frozen chicken breasts, coat them with the dressing and then breadcrumbs, dot with a little butter, and bake at 350 until the meat is done. It's not very crispy, but it has a lovely flavor and the chicken stays pretty juicy even if you overcook it a bit. (It will get dry eventually, but you have to REALLY overcook it.....)
I like this dressing, because it's made with stuff you probably have on hand, it's really easy, and it tastes good.
Creamy salad dressing
Mayonnaise. (the real stuff. Miracle whip or anything that tastes similar won't work. Besides, it's nasty......)
Lemon juice
Milk
Paprika
Garlic powder
Italian seasoning
Put mayo in a bowl. 1 large spoonful makes enough for two meals of salad at our house. Add some lemon juice. More lemon juice makes a nice lemony dressing that's good on chicken, less lemon makes it kind of like ranch dressing. Add milk to get the consistency you want. I tend to make it thinner so that it coats the lettuce easier. You're probably not going to get that super-thick store dressing consistency, but I don't like it that way myself so I don't care. Add the seasonings to taste. Whisk until smooth.
Something I like to do with this is take two frozen chicken breasts, coat them with the dressing and then breadcrumbs, dot with a little butter, and bake at 350 until the meat is done. It's not very crispy, but it has a lovely flavor and the chicken stays pretty juicy even if you overcook it a bit. (It will get dry eventually, but you have to REALLY overcook it.....)
Friday, December 2, 2011
Challenge the status quo.
Some things that have been ingrained into our systems have been good, are good, and always will be good. Like looking both ways before we cross the street, or that making an effort to eat at least a few veggies is good for us.
Some things we take for granted aren't good for us though. I wish more people would stop saying "Of course it's good! That's how it's done!" and get out and educate themselves.
I want to tell you at the very beginning here that I am not out to make you believe what I believe. I don't want you to be a blind follower. I want you to get out there and ask your own questions and form your own opinions. Read studies, compare philosophies, take what you deem good and reject the bad. I've cobbled together my own idea of what's right from a lot of different sources, but I'm quick to reject any part of a philosophy that doesn't jive with my research or my common sense.
In the tips I'm including some examples of opinions I've formed and some of the information behind them. I don't want you to just accept what I say (I could be wrong and I don't want that kind of power!), or reject it. I want you to say "huh, I wonder?" and go find out things for yourself. You might come to a completely different conclusion that me. And that's fine. But you will have gone out and actually made an informed decision that I can respect. I can't take seriously the opinion of people who blindly say, "but that's normal." Just because it is doesn't mean it SHOULD be.
Tips:
1. Studies can help you get more solid proof than just people's opinions. However, studies CAN be skewed to get desired results. When reading studies, look at who was included, how many were included, what factors were controlled for, things like that. A blatantly skewed study from the seventies concluded that home-birth was dangerous. If you actually look at the study itself, you find that their definition of home-birth was any out-of-hospital birth. Included were planned hospital births that didn't make it on time, unattended home-births by drug addicts and such, and even MISCARRIAGES!!! A different study from the 70's that compared the perinatal mortality rate of 1,046 planned home-births to 1,046 planned hospital births, all the mothers from both groups being low-risk, concluded this: "'The hospital-birth women were more likely than the planned home birth mothers to have had the following: five times more likely to have high blood pressure in labor, nine times more likely to have a severe perineal tear, three times more likely to have had postpartum hemorrhage, and three times more likely to have had a Cesarean.' The babies born to the hospital birth women also had a higher complication rate than the babies born to home birth women. In the hospitals, the infants were six times more likely to have had fetal distress before birth, four times more likely to have needed assistance to start breathing, and four times more likely to have developed an infection. There were no birth injuries at home, but thirty infants in the hospital suffered birth injuries." - quoted from Birthing From Within by Pam England CNM, MA, and Rob Horowitz PHD.
2. Compare both sides of an argument. Really listen. Ask questions. Who has concerns about valid problems? Can those problems be minimized by certain actions? Is either side supported by good information? Is someone just using opinions? Is someone using scare-tactics? Are those scare-tactics well-researched and warranted? Or are they just throwing out a few rare examples? Does either side have a vested interest in a specific outcome for political or economic reasons? Is either side ignoring or obfuscating important evidence against them? Be willing to switch sides if you find you're wrong, or find a balanced middle ground between both camps if your research takes you there. My Mom believes in homeopathy. I don't. I believe in some parts of naturopathy, but not homeopathy. I haven't found any good evidence for it or against it really. I do find that homeopathic companies tend to make rather outlandish claims about their product on what seems to be a whim. This makes me feel that they are snake oil salesmen and I don't trust what they're selling. I am welcome to receiving better information for or against. I think it's a wonderfully cool idea.
3. Take a look at the history and science behind something, in our own culture and others. For example, the routine use of modern circumcision techniques on boys was started in the Victorian era to prevent masturbation. (it doesn't). The original Jewish circumcision only removed the loose tip of the foreskin that extended beyond the glans. Modern circumcision involves forcibly peeling the entire protective foreskin from the mucous membranes of the glans (to which it is naturally adhered to at birth, separating later as the boy matures), turning a sensitive area into a large open wound, and then cutting off the entire foreskin, which normally functions for the glans kind of like the eyelids for the eyes. The cons of this procedure are the risk of infection and surgical error possibly resulting in permanent dysfunction or even death, and to be perfectly honest, you just cut off an area that when intact is responsible for a great deal of sexual pleasure, and the procedure can often reduce the mature size of the penis. (Yeah, they don't know what they're missing, but is it fair to deny them the opportunity to find out?) As for the pros: over the course of the years people keep throwing out ideas as to why circumcision should still be performed. None of the ideas have been substantiated, and almost all of them have been repudiated. Female circumcision (the removal of the clitoris) is done in some third world countries and hailed to be an incredibly cruel and barbaric act by us enlightened societies. I can't see that male circumcision is all that much different. America is the only first world society that still does routine circumcision on boy babies.
Feel free to add any tips I may have missed in the comments section!
Some things we take for granted aren't good for us though. I wish more people would stop saying "Of course it's good! That's how it's done!" and get out and educate themselves.
I want to tell you at the very beginning here that I am not out to make you believe what I believe. I don't want you to be a blind follower. I want you to get out there and ask your own questions and form your own opinions. Read studies, compare philosophies, take what you deem good and reject the bad. I've cobbled together my own idea of what's right from a lot of different sources, but I'm quick to reject any part of a philosophy that doesn't jive with my research or my common sense.
In the tips I'm including some examples of opinions I've formed and some of the information behind them. I don't want you to just accept what I say (I could be wrong and I don't want that kind of power!), or reject it. I want you to say "huh, I wonder?" and go find out things for yourself. You might come to a completely different conclusion that me. And that's fine. But you will have gone out and actually made an informed decision that I can respect. I can't take seriously the opinion of people who blindly say, "but that's normal." Just because it is doesn't mean it SHOULD be.
Tips:
1. Studies can help you get more solid proof than just people's opinions. However, studies CAN be skewed to get desired results. When reading studies, look at who was included, how many were included, what factors were controlled for, things like that. A blatantly skewed study from the seventies concluded that home-birth was dangerous. If you actually look at the study itself, you find that their definition of home-birth was any out-of-hospital birth. Included were planned hospital births that didn't make it on time, unattended home-births by drug addicts and such, and even MISCARRIAGES!!! A different study from the 70's that compared the perinatal mortality rate of 1,046 planned home-births to 1,046 planned hospital births, all the mothers from both groups being low-risk, concluded this: "'The hospital-birth women were more likely than the planned home birth mothers to have had the following: five times more likely to have high blood pressure in labor, nine times more likely to have a severe perineal tear, three times more likely to have had postpartum hemorrhage, and three times more likely to have had a Cesarean.' The babies born to the hospital birth women also had a higher complication rate than the babies born to home birth women. In the hospitals, the infants were six times more likely to have had fetal distress before birth, four times more likely to have needed assistance to start breathing, and four times more likely to have developed an infection. There were no birth injuries at home, but thirty infants in the hospital suffered birth injuries." - quoted from Birthing From Within by Pam England CNM, MA, and Rob Horowitz PHD.
2. Compare both sides of an argument. Really listen. Ask questions. Who has concerns about valid problems? Can those problems be minimized by certain actions? Is either side supported by good information? Is someone just using opinions? Is someone using scare-tactics? Are those scare-tactics well-researched and warranted? Or are they just throwing out a few rare examples? Does either side have a vested interest in a specific outcome for political or economic reasons? Is either side ignoring or obfuscating important evidence against them? Be willing to switch sides if you find you're wrong, or find a balanced middle ground between both camps if your research takes you there. My Mom believes in homeopathy. I don't. I believe in some parts of naturopathy, but not homeopathy. I haven't found any good evidence for it or against it really. I do find that homeopathic companies tend to make rather outlandish claims about their product on what seems to be a whim. This makes me feel that they are snake oil salesmen and I don't trust what they're selling. I am welcome to receiving better information for or against. I think it's a wonderfully cool idea.
3. Take a look at the history and science behind something, in our own culture and others. For example, the routine use of modern circumcision techniques on boys was started in the Victorian era to prevent masturbation. (it doesn't). The original Jewish circumcision only removed the loose tip of the foreskin that extended beyond the glans. Modern circumcision involves forcibly peeling the entire protective foreskin from the mucous membranes of the glans (to which it is naturally adhered to at birth, separating later as the boy matures), turning a sensitive area into a large open wound, and then cutting off the entire foreskin, which normally functions for the glans kind of like the eyelids for the eyes. The cons of this procedure are the risk of infection and surgical error possibly resulting in permanent dysfunction or even death, and to be perfectly honest, you just cut off an area that when intact is responsible for a great deal of sexual pleasure, and the procedure can often reduce the mature size of the penis. (Yeah, they don't know what they're missing, but is it fair to deny them the opportunity to find out?) As for the pros: over the course of the years people keep throwing out ideas as to why circumcision should still be performed. None of the ideas have been substantiated, and almost all of them have been repudiated. Female circumcision (the removal of the clitoris) is done in some third world countries and hailed to be an incredibly cruel and barbaric act by us enlightened societies. I can't see that male circumcision is all that much different. America is the only first world society that still does routine circumcision on boy babies.
Feel free to add any tips I may have missed in the comments section!
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Change your perspective.
Last night I found myself scrubbing the tub at 11:30 pm, (that's the middle of my night), tired and miserable and crying. I couldn't sleep so I'd decided scrubbing the tub was a good way to use my extra time. My head hurt, my joints ached, I felt a million years old.
I found myself getting really mad at my husband for being asleep. I asked my sponge, Mr. Bingledorf, "How come HE doesn't ever have to be pregnant???" Whereupon my tired brain spoke for Mr. Bingledorf: "How come YOU don't have to worry about getting good grades in college while supporting a wife and soon-to-be child and never getting enough sleep because unlike SOME people nap-time is not an option???" Touche Mr. Bingledorf. Touche.
I finally gave up on the tub and crawled back into bed hoping to fall asleep. But I couldn't. So I cried instead. Then FINALLY I got comfy and was ALMOST to dreamland, when my fetus started screaming FEED ME!!!!!! Somewhere in the process of getting the bread out to make myself a sandwich or something it was all just too overwhelming and Loren came out to find me sitting on the floor, leaning against the table, sobbing. He lifted me up onto a chair, made me a cheese sandwich, told me I'm beautiful and made me laugh, and then when we went back to bed he held me and hummed until I fell asleep. When he woke up at 2:45 to get ready for work he told me to stay in bed, made his own breakfast, and washed every single dish he used before he left.
The point of this story is, I COULD have woke him up just to tell him how mad I was at him. I was sorely tempted to. I chose to recognize that I was being an idiot though and didn't. Which is good, because when a man will sacrifice his hard-earned sleep to make you a cheese sandwich and a joke in the middle of the night, he really doesn't deserve to be yelled at. And if you yell at him he might not want to do things like make you a cheese sandwich in the middle of the night anymore.
I found myself getting really mad at my husband for being asleep. I asked my sponge, Mr. Bingledorf, "How come HE doesn't ever have to be pregnant???" Whereupon my tired brain spoke for Mr. Bingledorf: "How come YOU don't have to worry about getting good grades in college while supporting a wife and soon-to-be child and never getting enough sleep because unlike SOME people nap-time is not an option???" Touche Mr. Bingledorf. Touche.
I finally gave up on the tub and crawled back into bed hoping to fall asleep. But I couldn't. So I cried instead. Then FINALLY I got comfy and was ALMOST to dreamland, when my fetus started screaming FEED ME!!!!!! Somewhere in the process of getting the bread out to make myself a sandwich or something it was all just too overwhelming and Loren came out to find me sitting on the floor, leaning against the table, sobbing. He lifted me up onto a chair, made me a cheese sandwich, told me I'm beautiful and made me laugh, and then when we went back to bed he held me and hummed until I fell asleep. When he woke up at 2:45 to get ready for work he told me to stay in bed, made his own breakfast, and washed every single dish he used before he left.
The point of this story is, I COULD have woke him up just to tell him how mad I was at him. I was sorely tempted to. I chose to recognize that I was being an idiot though and didn't. Which is good, because when a man will sacrifice his hard-earned sleep to make you a cheese sandwich and a joke in the middle of the night, he really doesn't deserve to be yelled at. And if you yell at him he might not want to do things like make you a cheese sandwich in the middle of the night anymore.