There's a current parenting philosophy I really, really, hate. "Do what you feel is right!! Don't let anyone judge you. You're a great Mom!" acceptance and tolerance, baloney. Okay, seriously??? Hitler felt he was right! Now, I know that's an awfully extreme comparison. But what about the Mom who made her kid RUN TO DEATH over lying about a candy bar? I bet she thought she was right!
I recognise there are gray areas, and different children need different things. But there are things about parenting that are distinctly wrong, and unless we preserve a "parenting morality" we will go back to the dark ages of procreatorhood where sacrificing your kid to Moloch was considered fairly normal. And I'm sorry, but a lot of mainstream parenting does not fall under my laws of moral parenting. I try to take my examples from Heavenly Father. I'm using male pronouns because I have a son and these are my principles for parenting him.
1. Respect. Your child is not a second class citizen. He has thoughts and feelings that need to be taken into consideration. Pretty much all the other rules fall under this category, but I'll spell it out just to make my point clear. If you respect your child, he learns to respect you. He will model his behavior on your example.
2. NO violence is acceptable. Spanking, hot sauce, verbal abuse, these are wrong. If your child is afraid of you, you are doing things wrong. A child who is afraid of you will not trust you. He will not confide in you. If your child is afraid, you are far more likely to be the parent who finds out from your teenage son's best friend's Mom that he's seriously contemplating suicide and you'll be wondering why because you had no clue anything was wrong.
3. The Platinum rule. Do unto others as they would have others do unto them. Put yourself in your child's shoes. Really try to understand what's going on with them. Children respond well to someone who at least TRIES to get it.
4. Explain. If you ask your kid to do something, and he says "Why?" instead of "How high?" don't jump down his throat! Explain yourself. He will learn far better, and be better able to make good judgement calls later when you're not around.
5. Before you say No, ask yourself, "why not?" and see if you can say YES! As parents (or babysitters, or big sisters), No is easier to say. No means you don't have to think about how to make it happen, No means you can sit on the couch and do facebook, No is simple and clean. YES! is bold and messy and frankly socially weird because it leads to things like hosting the whole neighborhood in your backyard for a play or dying the dog pink and blue for easter. And why not? Remember how growing up you envied the Happy Hollisters and Nancy Drew because they did all the cool stuff? It's because they had parents who said YES! (and had lots of money but that's a different story..) And when you're someone who tries to say YES!, No means a lot more than Mom just doesn't want to.
6. Do not sexualize your children. I cringe when I see five year olds wearing yoga pants with "sassy" printed on the butt. Or listen to eight year olds singing "Fergylicious!" It is also very common for parents to attach inappropriate meanings to children's actions. If a little girl is feeling shy and her parents say, "Oh, she's just flirting" or a boy wants to see his friend who happens to be a girl and the parents say "Ooooooh!!! Look who has a girlfriend!!" that sends some pretty serious messages to those children. And then later their parents wonder why they have a grandbaby in the house!
7. Never make them clean their plate!!! Why is it that people assume children somehow have no concept or awareness of their stomach? I mean, people put together plates of food, the kids have no control over amounts or what kind of food it is, and then they make the poor things eat it all. How would YOU feel about that?
8. LISTEN. Parents tend to jump in when their children are talking, or tune out, or worst case scenario fall asleep. The problem with this is that they then don't know what's going on with their children. Try to pay attention and listen more than you talk.
9. Be a good example. If you have to say "do as I say not as I do", you're in for trouble. You are your children's example. They take their cue from you. When I was in charge of Nursery I noticed that when the toy-snatching, pushy kids' parents came to pick them up, Mom or Dad would swoop in, take whatever they were holding and toss it aside, pick up kiddo, and then swoop away. The sweet, sharing kids' parents would come in, say hi or something, help their kid transition out of nursery, maybe by getting down and playing a bit, then putting toys away together and then saying goodbye to everyone.
What about you? Are there things you feel are just plain wrong when it comes to parenting? Why do you think that?
1 comment:
Good ideas! Another thing that I think can go overboard is letting your children have infinite choices. They like having boundaries set, and when you have more than one, asking what they want for dinner could mean you're making at least 3 dinners. I am all for choosing for yourself, but let's give some guidance. Instead of "What do you want for dinner?" try "Would you like ____, ___ or ___ for dinner?" They are still getting options, but you're helping them
One more pet peeve--those who let their child "experience" the world and give no consequences. If their child hits or bites another kid, they just tell the other kid's parents "Oh, he's just experiencing the world." Well, I have taught my children NOT to be violent toward others. I think, again, creating limits and boundaries so a child learns proper social and life skills is important too. Choices come with consequences. THAT is the big problem with today's philosophy--
"Do what you want."
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