You can stay married without fighting.

My husband and I have only had one fight, kind of. It was about a week before we got married. We had been in Idaho, where we were moving to, for a couple of weeks to take possession of our apartment and look (unsuccessfully as far as we knew) for jobs. We were on our way back to our hometowns for the wedding. We had been in the car for eleven hours and we were both tired and hungry and stressed out. The fight was only a few seconds long and consisted of me asking an inappropriate question, him answering in a slightly raised tone, and then us realizing we were being idiots and apologizing to each other and both feeling awful for our part in it. I'm not even sure it really counts as a fight.
Of course, we've only been married about eight months, not even as long as we were engaged, but trust me, we've had plenty of chances to rip into each other. We've handled getting jobs, losing jobs, looking for jobs, unplanned pregnancy, several sleepless nights in a row with me crying in pain, financial setbacks, visits from our parents, and hurt feelings.
I realize that according to the online marriage articles this means we're supposed to get divorced in a couple years, but that's dumb. My husband and I are not repressed pots of seething resentment and unspoken anger just waiting to explode or fall out of love and into bitter boredom. We're a deeply happy couple who made a commitment to dealing with things maturely long before we got married.
I believe that it is entirely possible to have a long, wonderful marriage and not fight. I've met at least three happily married couples who have managed to make it to a ripe old age without fighting.
I am defining fight as: any heated or angry discussion, any difference of opinion that is not resolved in such a way that both parties are comfortable-even if it means agreeing to disagree, any conversation in which a party or parties speak expressly to hurt feelings, not speaking to each other, any violent action, or any other form of deliberate unkindness, expression of anger, or inability to communicate and mesh differences.

Tips for not fighting:

1 Never, ever, ever act with the intent to hurt. If something may possibly hurt your spouse in some way, don't do it. If you say something and realize it might have hurt their feelings, apologize. Do everything in your power to avoid causing pain. Watch for sins of omission too. Be careful to do the things that are important and make your spouse feel good. If you don't, it will hurt them.

2 Assume your spouse does not intend to hurt you. Obviously, if your spouse punches you in the face while screaming obscenities, they meant to hurt you, and you both need help. But if he forgot to buy you a gift, fell asleep when you were talking, or gets so busy playing with the kids he doesn't put them to bed, don't start thinking he's out to get you! It's okay to express that it hurts, as long as you let them know you are aware they didn't mean it, and that you're just indicating an area they can watch out for in the future. Your sweetheart can try his very hardest to be the very best husband and he will still occasionally be forgetful, tired, or thoughtless. If you treat such episodes as minor, forgivable lapses in an otherwise sound love, they aren't as likely to get defensive and hurt your feelings more.

3 Snuggle while you talk. Seriously. If you've got something important to discuss, cuddle up together on the couch before you get going. It's hard to fight when you're so comfortable.

4 Think before you speak. I don't mean so that you can find the choicest words to make them feel low as dust! Think about how what you're about to say will impact the other person before you say it. Are you saying something because you think it will be useful to the discussion? Or just venting? Venting is okay, if you're not going to hurt the other person. Is it something that really needs to be worked out together? Or are you being unreasonable and really ought to work it out on your own? Think carefully before you bring up a topic that may cause an argument. I often realize before I talk to Loren about something that I'm being an idiot and need to just get over myself. Sometimes I can't do that though and need to talk to him anyways. I will tell him at the beginning, "I know I'm being totally unreasonable, but this is bugging me and I thought you would like to know so maybe we can fix it"

5 Be very willing to apologize. I apologize for things all the time. So does my husband. Sometimes we apologize for things and the other person didn't even notice what we're apologizing for. Don't wait for their feelings to be hurt. Preemptive apologizing works wonders. If their feelings are hurt, apologize. And no fair doing that weaselly "I'm sorry you feel that way" thing. That's just adding insult to injury. It IS okay to say, "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I didn't know that doing such and such would," if you add that you won't do it again and follow through on it. If you did something that you KNEW would hurt your spouse's feelings, then you may NOT say, "I'm sorry BUT." That is not an apology. That is an excuse. What you're really saying is that you are not sorry at all. You may not apologize until you are sorry for DOING it. In which case you will say, "I'm sorry I went behind your back and bought Jenny a TV for her room. It was wrong of me." and then you do your best to FIX IT and NOT DO IT AGAIN! Remember, it is NOT okay to purposefully do things you know will hurt your spouses feelings.

5 In regards to doing things that you know will hurt your spouses feelings. Sometimes you may feel that something needs doing while your spouse disagrees. Until you have worked out a mutually satisfying solution, it is NOT OKAY to act! If for some reason you feel it imperative to do something that you feel your spouse generally disapproves of, but you think they will be okay with circumstantially, but you're not sure and have to act RIGHT NOW, then do what you think is best, and AS SOON AS POSSIBLE tell your love exactly what you did and why you did it, and ask if that's okay with them, and apologize if it isn't. This only applies to things like you've always wanted to buy a boat, but your husband says they're too expensive. Then you see a really great one at a garage sale for 10 dollars, and you have an extra ten dollars, and you have to buy it before someone else does. You're not entirely sure he will approve, but you figure if not, you can sell it for a profit on Craigslist.

6 An apology means that you have a desire not to do something again. If you apologize for something, you also need to follow up with actions. Stop doing it, fix what you can, do something to make up for it. If it's a habit that's going to take a long time to fix, let them know you're working on it, and ACTUALLY WORK ON IT!!! I can't tell you how many times I've apologized to my husband for talking too much at night when he needs to be going to sleep. At first I wasn't sure what to do, but I'm learning some techniques to keep myself quieter, such as turning away from him, not letting myself think about things I may want to discuss with him, and making sure I spend time talking to him beFORE we go to sleep. It may take me a very long time to get it figured out, but he knows I'm trying, and that lets him know I truly am sorry for keeping him up, and not just saying empty words.

7 Listen with an OPEN MIND. People give all kinds of techniques for showing someone that you're listening, but really, the best way is to just be open to the idea that you might be doing something wrong. Don't get all defensive. When you're trying to solve a problem with your spouse, prickliness just puts up a big hedge neither of you can cross and instead of getting anything done you're both left stewing on your respective side of pride. Ask questions, "What can I do to make that easier for you?" It's okay to present difficulties you may see, IF you present them with an idea to overcoming them, not dropping them like reinforced concrete blocks across the road. "Honey, I don't think we have enough money for that. Let's look at what we can do, I'd love to hear your ideas."

8 Do not criticize needlessly. It honestly doesn't matter if your husband puts the silverware handle up or handle down in the dishwasher. Nagging him about it all the time isn't going to solve the problem. You may express a preference, but leave it at that. Don't tell them things they already know. Saying he has bad posture when he's probably already quite aware of it won't help anything. The ONLY time you should offer a criticism is when someone is probably not aware of something important. And then it should be offered sensitively and with kind intent. Other than that it is not "constructive criticism" (what a dumb term.....it's just an excuse to be a witch)

9 Appreciate even misguided attempts at showing love. My husband hasn't really had a problem with trying to show love in the wrong ways to me, because he's been blessed with a sensitive nature that picks up on what I do and don't like. However, I am terrible when it comes to this. The few times he has come home after a bad day he usually just wants to be left alone to think. I tend to hover over him trying to "fix it." He's very gracious about this and only gives the gentlest, although clear, indications that he would rather I didn't. He probably hopes I'll learn how to handle this better quickly, but in the meantime he thanks me for my concern, doesn't get annoyed with me, and accepts that I'm doing it out of love.

10 When talking with your Sweetheart, do not drop hints and expect them to pick up on what you want. If you want something, tell them! For instance, I have this terrible habit of finishing a glass of water, and then wanting more. I won't really want to get up from where I am, so I will lift up my cup and look in it, like those cartoon drunks checking the mug for the last drop of beer, hoping Loren will notice and offer to get me a refill. (he's a very wonderful guy, so if he figured out what I was trying to say, he most certainly would). It's truly the dumbest thing. I don't think he has any clue what I'm doing, so so far I haven't been embarrassed by it, but he'll probably read this and laugh at me. (I'm a goose, I know! I love you!) The funny thing is, I KNOW that if I said, "Hey Loren, would you please get me some more water?" he would do it! And willingly! And yet here I am sitting with my empty glass feeling mildly irritated with him because he didn't even notice me look into my cup like a cartoon drunk and certainly didn't correctly guess the meaning and fill it for me. I think I do it because I feel like I SHOULD just get up and get mySELF a glass of water, and by not actually asking him, I don't have to feel guilty. Just....irritated with my husband. This is very silly thinking, and trust me, I'm working on it.

11 Be honest with yourself. As the above story illustrates, I've spent time trying to figure out why exactly I'm sitting with an empty glass feeling irritated with my husband. We often trick ourselves into turning one emotion, such as guilt or fear, into another one, like irritation or anger. These are called secondary emotions. Anger is a SECONDARY emotion that is NOT OKAY. I do not think it is ever okay to be angry. I have and do feel angry occasionally, but as soon as I am, I remove myself from the situation until I can identify the primary emotion that my anger is coming from, hurt, fear, whatever, and what I can do to fix it. Stop and think about your feelings before you act on them. Be honest about what's really going on. Remember that there are two sides to every issue, and don't be afraid to accuse yourself of being in the wrong. You'll learn a lot about yourself, and avoid a lot of pain and misery.

12 Build good self-esteem. You're much less likely to get defensive or avoid necessary conversations if you feel good about yourself.

I know there are a lot of other things you can do to make communication better, but I tried to stick to some of the less widely covered, obvious ones, and bring to light some of the tricks that I feel are peculiar to my husband and I, so that this post wouldn't become too long. Please feel free to post your tips and tricks for a pleasant marriage in the comments!!!!