You marry who you date.

Okay single ladies, I've got to talk to you. I have heard so many women complaining about men being scumbags, and so many great guys complaining that all the great women aren't giving them a second look. Now it's true, a man typically does the asking out on a date. But it's also true that most men need a little encouragement. Especially the best men. I'm going to break this up into sections.


Section 1: Rethink your criteria.

1. Personality. Don't look for flash, look for substance. If you're waiting for some guy to blow you away with his wit and charm, well, honestly, most of the guys who do that are good at it because they have lots of PRACTICE. And if they have lots of practice blowing women away with wit and charm, what does that say about them??? Many of the best husbands aren't obviously interesting right off the bat. A lot of men are quiet at first because they like to figure out the water before they jump in.

2. Good looks. Wrapping paper doesn't matter after it's torn off the present. Seriously. Media has told us that our spouse needs a certain degree of gorgeous hunkiness for us to get it on and have a happy marriage. But I will tell you from personal experience and observation, that you start seeing people as their personality not their physique. No matter how perfect a guy's face is if he's a jerk you're going to start thinking, "I hate that ugly light in his eyes, and give me a break! That smarmy smile of his??? Blech!" A totally sweet, great guy can have buck teeth, acne, a big nose and be all out of proportion, but after you get to know him you'll start thinking, "Oh I just melt when he smiles at me! I think he's the cutest guy on earth!!" Remember, no matter how Hollywood material a guy is, you're not going to want him touching you after you know what he did with the gal on the corner. A man who makes you scrambled eggs and toast in the middle of the night....he can make you forget you're having morning sickness when he holds you no matter what he looks like.

3. Material things. If you're like me, and plan on being a stay at home mom at some point, yes, you need a man who can provide. However, just because he drives a nice car and wears nice clothes doesn't mean he can. He could just be good at swiping a card. A man with a beat up jalopy and a paint-stained coat who has good work ethic and financial habits will manage to pay the bills somehow. You might need to scale back your wants and focus on necessities sometimes, but the right kind of husband will be worth eating in and wearing thrift store clothes.


Section 2: RED FLAGS!!!!

1. Addiction. Whether it's drugs (legal or not), pornography, self-mutilation, work, any kind of addiction should have you running for the hills. A man who is addicted has given himself to something else and he WILL choose it over you. You should be the most important part of your husband's life, except maybe God.

2. Abuse. If he abuses you in any way, cut him from your life. Not just physically either. If he belittles you, pressures you into situations you're not comfortable with, or manipulates you, he is abusing you. Period, paragraph. Don't put up with it. When a man abuses you, to him you are just an object he can use. You are NOT. You are a human being with rights.

3. Dishonesty. If you can't trust him, trying to have a relationship will be like trying to build a house on quicksand.


Section 3: Hints he's a keeper. (I'll be adding personal examples to these ones) Note, no man is perfect, and you need to determine what is important to you.

1. He listens to your opinions and considers them. When Loren and I were dating he always consulted me when making decisions that might affect me. He also changed a few aspects of his life after hearing my thoughts, such as eliminating substitute swear words from his speech. Now that we're married, I leave our finances mostly up to his excellent judgement, but he always consults me when drawing up the monthly budget, and checks with me before doing anything that isn't routine. I suppose he doesn't have to do that, but in his mind not doing so would be wrong.

2. You grow more around him, and he encourages that growth. I don't like cars. I don't like being a passenger in them, and when I'm driving and can't pretend I'm not in a car, I like them even less. When Loren and I met I knew how to drive a little, but I wasn't really moving forward with learning. He's taught me how to drive fairly confidently. He hasn't convinced me to get my license yet, but I'm sure he will one of these days.

3. He respects your body. Loren would wait until he was absolutely certain I welcomed the idea before he initiated any kind of physical contact. He waited for invitations, asked questions to gauge my degree of comfort, and was quick to back-pedal if he felt I didn't like something. There were certain lines that were drawn in stone and until I was his wife he wouldn't even dream of crossing them. Now that there are rings on our fingers, things are still the same. He would never, ever want anything from me that I didn't give freely of my own choice.

4. You have similar values. Compatibility isn't about both liking dogs or wanting to live in florida when you retire. Yeah, those kinds of things can be helpful, but the real compatibility questions are what do you both believe in? Loren and I are both strongly committed to the idea that our marriage is eternal, so we both work very hard to make it the best we can. We both agree that being frugal is better than getting into debt, so we're both willing to eat oatmeal for breakfast every day if we have to. We both agree that the church we belong to is true and that we need to live by its precepts and we try to encourage each other to do so. We both agree that punishing children physically is wrong, and we won't allow it in our home. Because we have these similar beliefs, we avoid many common disagreements, and we have a stable, thriving marriage. And of course we both agree we're madly in love with each other!! :-)


If you're dating, how do you choose who to date? If you're married, what qualities does your spouse have that make your marriage successful?